I’ll admit it, sometimes I order Chinese food just for the fortune. I won’t even be in the mood for Chinese food, or in the mood for food at all, but every once in a while I’ll have the sudden urge to be told my future by a legitimate source. Sometimes I just need someone to tell me something good, and it’s fine if that someone is a cookie.

So you can imagine my dissapointement when I pay the $20-25 for a whole meal (because yeah, even if I’m not hungry, I’m going to get a soup, oversized meat dish, and a side of pork lo mien, as there is literally no other way to eat Chinese food) and the “fortune” is this:

WTF, China?! This is NOT a fortune. A fortune tells the future. This is just a statement. And an unhelpful one– one that is going to make me even more critical of my too-critical self. If you’re going to just be lazy and make a statement, I prefer it be something that will make me feel good. For example:

“Your hair looks pretty today.”
“You’re a decent dancer for a Jew.”
“It’s good that you never vacuum– dust mites have feelings.”
“No one notices your lisp.”

So please add those to your print rotation, or I’m getting out of the fortune cookie ring for good.

Oh wait, what’s this? A second fortune cookie? Because you assumed this monstrous order was for two people? Interesting. Let’s see what unhelpful babble is written on this one:

Oh my god– yay! I fucking love you, China.