All posts by Emily

I’m No Expert But Probably Never

“When will my boobs grow big?”

— Kid, in the middle of our lesson, out of NOWHERE.

He’s a boy.

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Alabama

Every man I encounter, to Nora: “Oh, look at you, handsome boy!”

Me (very nicely): “Haha she’s actually a girl but thank you! She will take the compliment on her good looks!”

(abortion becomes outlawed in Alabama)

Every man I encounter, to Nora: “Oh, look at you, handsome boy!”

Me: “Oh you WOULD think she’s a boy. OF COURSE YOU WOULD. BOYS RULE THE WORLD, RIGHT? EVERYTHING IS BOYS, BOYS, BOYS AND NO ONE CARES ABOUT GIRLS. WELL SHE MIGHT LOOK LIKE A BOY BUT SHE’S GOING TO GROW UP AND KICK YOUR ASS BECAUSE THE FUTURE IS FEMALE MOTHERFUCKER!”

So yeah I’m upset.

Parenthood is Just a Slow Erosion of Your Convictions

Me: “It’s so annoying and dumb when parents use squealing, high-pitched baby talk with their kids. Babies are humans. Just talk to them in a human voice about normal things, for christ’s sake.”

(Discovers that baby-talk makes Nora smile)

Me:


Me: “Babies need to explore and fall and get hurt sometimes. It’s how they learn.”

(Sees Nora crawling toward something dangerous)

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Me: “Talking about babies is boring as hell. I’m not going to be the person who has a kid and only cares about baby things. And I definitely don’t care what other moms do with their kids.”

(Overhears parent talking about a new trend in baby-feeding she’s been trying, and how her baby can now eat without her help.)

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Me: “Let’s be honest, babies only need ONE toy. None of this baby-takes-over-the-home-with-her-endless-crap nonsense. My apartment is my zen place.”

(Sees Nora stays occupied when she has a variety of choices)

Me: IMG_6573

      (white-up-pointing-index.pngmy actual apartment right now )


Me: “Under NO circumstances will I listen to other parents talk about their child’s poop.”

(Overhears parent claim she diagnosed her child’s illness by inspecting the color, consistency, and odor change in his poop)

Me: tenor-1.gif


Me: “Above all else, parenting is not a competition. None of this petty bickering bullshit. We are a team.”

(Eric thinks Nora’s crying in her crib because she has a dirty diaper. I say she’s testing us. Eric goes to change her diaper, and there’s nothing. Nora laughs at him.)

Me: told-you-so.gif

(One hour passes)

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(One day passes)

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(8 months later)

Me: “Hey remember that time I was right?”

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I Think I Know My Own Kid

Nanny: “Nora should be holding her own bottle for her feedings.”

Me: “I KNOW. Believe me I’ve tried, but she just won’t do it.”

Nanny: “You just make her do it and she will do it.”

Me: “You think I haven’t tried ‘making’ her do it?! She won’t do it! Honestly, I don’t think she can yet. She’s not ready.”

Nanny: “She is ready.”

Me (annoyed): “Ok, I appreciate your input, but I think I know my own kid.”

One hour later:

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That cunning little minx.

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Bilingual

My sister: “It’s great having a nanny from Colombia because now Tyler is learning to speak Spanish.”

Me: “Yeah I mean that’s cool and all but anyone can learn Spanish– they teach that in school. Thanks to my nanny Nora will learn to speak…

(googles language of Trinidad)

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Oh.

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Goddamnit.

I Don’t Know How to Make Friends

I meet a girl in the lobby who is also a new mom in the building. She has a 10-month-old son and when she finds out I’m around in the mornings and on Fridays, she asks for my number so we can get together with our kids. We exchange numbers and begin commiserating.

Girl: “Isn’t being a mom like a million times better than being pregnant?”

Me: “Oh my god YES. I say that all the time! I was a MISERABLE pregnant person.”

Girl: “Me TOO! The worst! I was SO tired the entire 9 months.”

Me: “Yup. And achy and short of breath…

Girl: “Yes!”

Me: “And couldn’t sleep, totally nauseated, so irritable…”

Girl: “Oh my god YES. SO irritable…”

Me: “Hot flashes…”

Girl: “ALL the time!”

Me: “And like the bedwetting– what’s THAT about?!”

Girl: “Yes, totall– wait what?”

Me: “Oh. I wet the bed once…”

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She hasn’t called.

So As You Can Tell, I’ve Been Listening

My therapist and I spend one full hour discussing motherhood, and my difficulty in finding balance in my life. We discuss strategies for coping with the mom-related anxiety. We talk about how to feel less overwhelmed by the huge responsibility of raising a child. We come up with a schedule that will allow me to spend quality time with Nora but still be able to do things for myself. We discuss the utter importance of carving out time to write, because writing provides immeasurable benefits to my mental health.

Therapist: “I’m glad we have a plan for you to find more balance. Motherhood can be hard, but you’re doing great. Now before the session ends, is there anything else going on that you think I should know about?”

Me: “Oh, yes– I stopped breastfeeding. So we’ll probably have to keep an eye on that, from a hormonal standpoint.”

Therapist: “Yes, definitely. And I think with stopping the breastfeeding, you’ll find you have a lot more time to do things for yourself, which will be wonderful.”

Me: “Totally.”

Therapist: “Is that why you decided to stop?”

Me: “Well, no, not exactly. It’s more that with all the crazy hormones that go along with breastfeeding, I really just wanted to get my body regulated again and back to baseline…”

Therapist: “I think that’s a great decision.”

Me: “…so we can have another kid.”

Therapist:game-of-thrones-dany-meme-1168366-1280x0.jpeg