Me: “Did you do your homework?”
Kid: “No, I didn’t have time. With Christmas and all.”
Me: “Christmas is still 2 weeks away.”
Kid: “I know, but like. There’s a LOT that goes into Christmas, you know? There’s a lot of stuff that leads up to it. It’s not just like you’re busy on that ONE day.”
Me: “I guess…”
(15 minutes later)
Me: “So what IS your family doing for Christmas?”
Kid: “Oh, my family? Nothing. We’re Jewish.”
Therapist: “So it seems like all those travel anxieties you had leading up to your Africa trip were, as usual, in vain, because none of them happened.”
Me: “Ummm….were you listening? I got a violent stomach bug, vomited across two separate countries/airports/airplanes, spent the whole last leg of the trip exhausted and achy– and I in fact STILL don’t feel like myself.”
Therapist: “Right but your fear is always that you’ll feel sick for no real reason. This was an actual REASON.”
Oh you are really fucking reaching today lady.
Doorman: “What’s that?”
Me: “It’s a newfound skip in my step, thanks to the defeat of Trump-supported child-molester Roy Moore, the win of a competent Democrat in deep-red Alabama, and a restored faith in humanity!”
Doorman: “No, that. On your face.”
Me: “Oh. That is chocolate.”
Doorman: “It’s 8:30am.”
Me: “I’M CELEBRATING.”
Things you overhear when you sip a coffee alone midday at the NY Historical Society Cafe, where the average age of patrons is roughly 91…
Lady: “My grandkids are terrible little people. So spoiled. All kids are now. Spoiled rotten, can’t do a damn thing for themselves.”
(Bites scone in shaky hand.)
Lady: “Stu died. Cancer. Terrible.”
Lady: “What the hell is a Bitcoin?”
Kid and I are researching quotes for his paper about community action, and we come across a good quote by Nelson Mandela.
Me: “Ohhh, that’s a perfect one to use. Do you know who Nelson Mandela is?”
Kid: “Yeah of course.”
Me: “Oh, I’m impressed. I wouldn’t necessarily think a kid your age would know about him.”
Kid: “Well, my dad listens to his music all the time.”
Me: “Ummm…his music? Nelson Mandela was not a musician, as far as I know…”
Kid: “Yes, he’s a country singer!”
Me: “I think you’re thinking of someone else…”
Kid: “You know, (singing) ‘On the road again, Just can’t wait to get on the road again….'”
Me: “Oh, honey, no. That’s Willie Nelson. Not Nelson Mandela. They are two very VERY different people. Nelson Mandela ended apartheid in South Africa.”
Kid (pondering): “Ok but otherwise they’re pretty much the same.”
Me: “And what would you say is your greatest area of need?”
Me: “And your greatest strength?”
Kid: “Like, I guess…not vocabulary?”
I had a kid fill out a math assessment for homework. There was some new content in it, so I told her if she really didn’t know how to answer a question, just write “no idea” underneath, and I’d help her in the next session.
So in the next session, I taught her the strategy she needed to use to answer the “no idea” question. Once she had a firm grip on the strategy, I said, with optimistic enthusiasm, “Ok, so let’s go back to that question where you wrote ‘no idea’ and see if we can change that answer!”
So she changed it.
Because come on that’s fucking hilarious.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Ummm…about what? Fun? Culture? The world? LIFE OUTSIDE YOUR BATSHIT GRIP?!
That moment when your husband catches you on your iPhone calendar calculating the best time to get pregnant so that you won’t miss the annual free, 2-week beach vacation with your mom and dad in August.
So yeah we gotta wait a couple months.
Eric: “So, like…what are clouds?”