All posts by Emily

Not Avoiding My Kid

Yesterday, around 5:50pm, I’m sitting on the couch in my apartment lobby, on my phone:

Doorman: “Let me guess– your nanny gets off at 6?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Doorman: “I’ve noticed you usually get home around 5:30 and then sit on the lobby couch until about 5:58.”

Me (laughing): “Ok, I know what you’re implying– but I’m not avoiding my kid! It’s just that I have work emails to send, and I’m better off doing it now rather than trying to do it in the apartment. Too many distractions. Nothing ever gets done.”

Doorman: “I see.”

Me: “It’s actually annoying to have to send all these emails, because honestly I just want to go up there right away and squeeze her.”

Doorman: “Well, don’t let me interrupt. Get back to that email.”

Me: “Thank you.”

My phone screen:

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AFTER That

I’m tutoring a middle schooler for an important test she will take at the end of the year. She is super anxious about it, so I promise her I will have her fully prepared.

Kid: “Ok but what if you just, like, up and die before the test? THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

Me: “Ok, well. I certainly do not plan to die this year. But if I did– which I won’t– well, I suppose you could start by feeling sad about the sudden and tragic loss of your dear tutor and friend.”

Kid: “Oh– right, yes. OF COURSE. Sorry. Of course I’d feel sad.”

(silence)

Kid: “But like, AFTER that…?”

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She KNEW it!!

Giving a kid a spelling test on homophones, I provide sentences for context. So for sun/son, I say:

“The SUN is shining brightly.”
“My SON is still a young baby.”

Kid: tumblr_inline_n1ojj6zKaC1qknuzb.gif
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “My mom said your baby was a girl but I always see the picture on your phone and I told her it’s not a girl it’s DEFINITELY a boy! Like he’s the most boy-looking boy ever!”
Me: “That sentence was just to give context for your spelling test– it wasn’t true. I don’t have a son. I have a daughter.”
Kid: “Oh.”

(awkward silence)

Kid: “She’s VERY pretty.”

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You Might Be Waiting a While

A woman at the playground is doing her best at disciplining, but is clearly struggling…

Woman: “Now, Sophie, I’m going to ask you again– was that a smart strategy?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “We’ve talked about this before. And what did I tell you?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “Come on, I know you remember. What did I tell you about making smart choices?”
Sophie: (looks away)
Woman: “Sophie! I’m talking to you. And we’re not going anywhere until you answer me.”
Me: “Um, sorry– I don’t mean to intrude but I don’t think she’s going to answer….”
Woman: “Oh trust me, she will. She’s just thinking about her actions. When she’s ready, she’ll respond. Right Sophie?”
Sophie: (looks at ground)
Me: “Ok…I guess what do I know? Good luck!”
Woman: “Thank you. Now, Sophie– I’m still waiting. What did we talk about yesterday? What would be a smarter strategy than the one you chose?”

Sophie is a dog.

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Listen It’s a Catchy Tune Ok

Ran into our right-across-the-hall neighbor, who works from home and has two kids…

Neighbor: “Sounds like you guys are really in the throes of Elmo-obsession!”
Me: “Oh god, yes! Can you hear the TV in the morning? I’m so sorry!”
Neighbor: “No, no. Never heard the TV. But every single day, like clockwork, between noon and 1, I hear you singing ‘Elmo’s Song’ over and over. I totally remember that phase when my kids made me sing that crap on repeat.”
Me: “Oh my god I know. It’s the WORST.”

Our nanny comes every day at noon and takes Nora to the playroom.

Noon to 1 is my alone time in the apartment.

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IgNORA

Eric: “Nora!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “Nora!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “Nora! Look at me!”

Nora: (ignores)

Eric: “NORA!!”

Nora: (sees Cookie Monster stuffed animal on floor) “Cookieeeeeee!”

Eric (defeated): “You’re just like your mother.”

Like a Tiny Well-Mannered Adult

A bunch of kids are gathered around the chalkboard at the kiddie gym, almost all of them with a snack:

Random Mom (to me): “How do you get your kid to eat so nicely and calmly? She’s like a tiny well-mannered adult!”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you to say! Um, I don’t know, I guess I just got lucky?”

Random Mom: “I just can’t believe she’s able to eat those blackberries without making ANY mess on her face.”

Me: “Oh. That’s actually not my kid…”

Random Mom: “Oh! Which one’s yours again? The kid with the cheerios in her hand?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom: “Her? With the cheerios in the cup?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom (sees no other choice): “With the cheerios stuck to her neck?”

Me: “Yes.”

(10 second silence)

Random Mom: “Are those even her cheerios?”

Me: “Nope.”

Random: “They’re in her hair too…”

Me: “I see that.”

Random: “How’d she even get them?”

Me: “Hard to say…”

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