Tag Archives: aging

The Future

About to play a math game…

Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( Face_With_Rolling_Eyes_Emoji_large. crosses arms. pouts.)

We’re so fucked.

 

Like a Robot

There is an old cantankerous man who lives in our building, and every time he walks into the elevator and sees me on my phone (which is always), he makes a snide comment about it. Normally I just smile awkwardly and sort of ignore, but today I decided to defend myself.

Old man: “Those things are ruining people. Nobody talks to each other anymore.”

Me: “Yes, you always say that to me.”

Old man: “Well, it’s true. How’s anyone supposed to meet if they’re always looking at their phone?”

Me: “Actually, I met my husband on my phone.”

Old man: “You mean you were talking on the phone when you met him?”

Me: “No, I literally found him BECAUSE OF my phone. I was in an elevator like this one, and instead of talking to people around me, I was scrolling through a dating app. I came across his profile, read it, and I liked it, so I connected with him and we started talking.”

Old man: “I see…”

Me: “Right, so, if I hadn’t been looking at my phone, if I had been talking to people around me instead, as you always say I should be doing, then I wouldn’t have found my husband.”

Old man (long pause): “Well, young lady, I guess that’s a good point.”

Me (smiling, resisting the urge to literally pat myself on the back): “Thank you.”

(We both step out of the elevator and into the lobby) 

Doorman: “Hey there, Eddie!”

Old man: “The whole world’s gone to shit. This girl met her husband INSIDE A PHONE! Like a ROBOT!”

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It’s Important to be Realistic About These Things

Prompted by a storyline on a TV show, my friends and I found ourselves having the following discussion: If, god forbid, something should happen to one of our parents, would we be supportive of the other parent entering the dating world? Pretty much all of my friends agreed that they would be extremely uncomfortable and they were not sure they could be supportive.

But I think that’s pretty naive and close-minded. I’m much more realistic about these things.

In the sense that I don’t have to think about it, because my mom and dad are going to die at the same time. On the same day I do. I’ll be 90 years old and they’ll be 126, and we’ll all go peacefully in our sleep, holding hands.

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This is Why I Work From Home

Sitting at a Starbucks communal table reviewing some math work. A random guy is sitting next to me and eyeing my papers.

Guy: “Looks like some tough math. I don’t know how to do any of that stuff!”

Me: “I know, right? 8th grade math is no joke!”

Guy: “You’re in 8th grade? Really? I assumed high school, like maybe a senior!”

Me: (Confused stare. Not sure if he’s serious. Realzing he is.)

Guy: “Jeez. Should you be sitting here doing homework all alone? Where are your parents?”

Me: “I tutor an 8th grader. That’s what the papers are for.”

Guy: “Oh.”

Me: “I am 34 years old.”

Guy: “Ah.”

<silence>

Guy: “Well this is embarrassing.”

On so many levels.

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