Tag Archives: nightmares

Wait. What Are You Trying to Imply?

Therapist: “How are you feeling about turning 41?”

Me: “I honestly haven’t really thought about it at all! So I’m fine, I guess! Everything is fine!”

Therapist: “Ok. And how have you been sleeping?”

Me: “Oh, well that’s been less fine. Lately I wake up about 3 times a night drenched in sweat. I’m having constant nightmares. They usually involve time– like I’m late for something, or I’m running out of time to do something, and the consequences will be huge. Last night Eric had to shake me awake because I was screaming– apparently in my dream I was being chased by an oversized grandfather clock, like the size of Big Ben, just waiting to fall over and crush me to death.”

(silence)

Me: “What?”

Therapist: “I’ll ask you again, how are you feeling about turning 41?”

Me: “I haven’t really thought about it at all! Why?”

Therapist:

I’d Like to Spend One Day Inside His Brain

I have notoriously disturbing dreams, clearly driven by my anxiety. Sometimes they’re straight up terrifying horror shows, other times they are just upsetting and leave me feeling uneasy, like last night’s.

Eric: “Did you sleep ok? You were tossing and turning.”

Me: “No. I had a dream where, for whatever reason, I was walking around a mall holding thousands of dollars in a bag. And I stopped in the mall arcade, and put a $1000 bill in the arcade machine, even though I meant to put in a $10. But then it was too late. So it ate the money and gave me tickets. But then, I actually ended up winning all these vouchers– like thousands of dollars in vouchers. All I had to do was go claim it. But then somehow I misplaced the bag with my cash and vouchers, and I ended up losing all the money I started with, plus the money I won. I started panicking, sweating, running around the mall, trying to retrace my steps. Everyone was telling me how irresponsible I am. And the more they said it, the more I panicked, but no matter what I did I couldn’t find my way back to the money, and nobody would help me.”

(silent pause)

Eric: “I dreamt that I wore my new Uggs and someone was like– ‘you don’t have to wear socks with those, they’re so soft!'”

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No Other Choice

Last night I had a nightmare that I was hanging off the edge of a cliff, and the only person who could save me was Donald Trump. He held out his hand and said, “I’ll save you– but if I do, it will guarantee that I become president.” I looked down and realized my only other option was a bloody, gory, untimely death. So obviously, I took Trump’s hand.

And pulled him down with me.

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