Category Archives: Relationships

Marriage

Sometimes marriage is amazing. img_8433

And then sometimes marriage is opening the kitchen trashcan and being hit in the face with a hot, steamy pile of  rancid ass-odor because your husband threw out an entire pot of right-off-the-stove broccoli, closed the lid, and left it there to fester, mix with and heat up the rest of the day’s trash.

So that’s where we are today.

In a pile of steaming broccoli-garbage.

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Puppy Update

A little while ago, I declared on social media that we were getting a puppy. I posted a picture of Nippie (below), our future dog’s mother, and announced that our pup would be arriving at Christmas. The internet went crazy (re: the photo got like 6 Facebook likes and 2 Wow! faces).

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Well, that is no longer happening.

The breeder told us that Nippie, a sassy little minx of a Swedish Vallhund (wtf is a Swedish Vallhund? We don’t exactly know, we just know it looks like a Corgi-wolf, which sounds like a mini version of a Direwolf, which sounds fucking awesome), would be the next dog in her batch to get preggo. The breeder had found a worthy match for Nippie (Vad, a show dog/cocky little son of a bitch), and, she assured us, the sparks would inevitably fly. 

Wrong.

Nippie has chosen not to take a lover this season.

Maybe she just wasn’t that into Vad. Maybe she prefers a more down-to-earth dude. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she just needs a little wine to get in the mood. Maybe she’s on anti depressants that sometimes totally kill her sex drive. Maybe I should stop talking about myself.

Anyway, it’s not happening.

Yet.

After Nippie decided she was too good for Vad’s lovin’, I then decided I was too much of a nuerotic, seasonal-affective hermit-weirdo to train a puppy in the winter. So we’re still getting a dog, but it’s not happening until the spring, and it might be a different breed than first announced.

Truth be told, were not even sure what we CAN get, because Eric is randomly allergic to every other kind of dog breed on Earth (and ALL cats, because cats are terrible creatures that shouldn’t exist). The only way he knows for sure is if he rubs his face vigourously into a dog’s coat, which, by the way, is exactly what happens every time he sees one on the streets of NYC. This has caused awkward moments with half the city’s pet-owners, but at least he has his method down to a science.

I make him shower 7 times a day.

The problem is that we have never actually met a Swedish Vallhund, we just hear they are “less sheddy” than corgis. But a corgi is all Eric really wants in life. The last time he rubbed his face on one (about a month ago, on the way to Mexican dinner, where he ordered fajitas and did not wash his hands), he had no allergic reaction.  But the idea of getting a dog that sheds its entire coat twice a year seems…unwise? Plus, do I really want to clean all that hair around the apartment? I don’t even clean MY hair!

That has not stopped Eric from sending me no less than 637 corgi Instagram videos a day.

So that’s where we are– wanting a puppy in the spring, but still not sure which kind or how exactly to go about it.

Suggestions welcome.

 

 

Family Planning

Therapist: “So, you and Eric are talking about starting a family soon?”

Me: “Well, I mean, yeah. Not right this moment, but soon. We’re married and we both want kids and I’m not getting any younger, so…”

Therapist: “Yes, you’ve said that. But what about right now makes you feel more ready than when we’ve talked about it in the past?”

Me (thinking): “Well….we came up with a hilarious way to announce it on Facebook.”

Therapist:  img_2021-5

Me: “Oh, is that not a sign of readiness?”

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Whatever, lady. Like anyone’s ready for this shit.

Quit While You’re Ahead

Me, to Eric, after a friend commented that my loose “sack” dresses (the only thing I wear in summer) make me look like a grandma: “Does it bother you that I dress comfortably and not sexy?”

Eric: “Babe, are you kidding? Of course not. Wear whatever you want.”

Me: “Awww, that’s sweet. You’re the best.”

Eric: “Yeah. You think I even notice what you wear? I’ve never noticed once.”

Nope stop talking.

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