Me, every single day: “There is way too much crap in this apartment, I can’t handle it.”
Eric, today: “My package is here!”
Trying really hard to learn all the doormen’s names before Christmas.
I really need some reassurance here because I totally feel like the Grinch who stole childhood. But this was justified, right?
Background: kid across the hall constantly plays soccer in the hallway. Literally uses people’s apartment doors as goals. Now that the weather is getting colder, these indoor soccer sessions are increasing, and lasting for hours. No, I have no idea why he isn’t in school. He’s at least 11 years old.
So parents out there, it’s ok that I went and ruined this kid’s fun, correct? I’m not a mean old cranky neighbor lady, right? It was justified, don’t you think?*
*In case the leading questions didn’t make this obvious, I am seeking agreement responses only. This is not a situation where I am interested in diverse opinions. Solely looking to avoid guilt tears as I sit here typing common-sore aligned math problems beneath the glow of my therapy lamp.
Cleaning lady (seeing my wedding dress hanging over the door, just as Eric leaves to go to the gym): “Are you two newlyweds?”
Me: “No, not yet! Engaged. We’re getting married in June.”
Cleaning lady: “Congratulations! It’s good that you live together first.”
Me: “Yeah we’ve been living together since April.”
Cleaning lady: “Of LAST year?”
Me: “April 2016. So for about 7 months.”
Cleaning lady: “And you’re sure that you want to marry him?”
Me (laughing): “Yes!”
Cleaning lady: “You must be very sure.”
Me: “I am sure!”
Cleaning lady: “April is not that long.”
What is happening right now.
The problem with my wedding dress hanging on a door in our compact apartment for the next few months is that given Eric’s newfound meat-dehydrating hobby, there is a 99% chance the dress, and therefore I, will smell like beef jerky on our wedding day.
“I would only love you more.” — Eric
A mom and her small child get into the elevator with me…
Me (to child): “Ooooh! And what are YOU dressed up as for Halloween? Whatever it is, you look awesome!”
Child: <blank, confused stare>
Mom: “Oh she has no idea it’s Halloween. We don’t celebrate it. This is just what she decided to wear today.”
Well then she looks ABSURD.
I’m in the elevator and an elderly lady walks in…
Lady (after staring at me for 10 seconds): “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “No. I am not. And honestly, this is the second time this has happened to me in an elevator and I don’t understand why.”
Lady: “It’s the way you’re holding your stomach. Makes it seem like something’s in there.”
Me: “Yeah, there is. Dairy. I’m Jewish.”
Lady: “Ah. Enough said.”
That moment before heading into a tutoring session when you check your reflection in a parked car window to make sure there are no remnants on your face of the Kind bar you just ate, when 5 seconds into staring at yourself you realize THERE IS A PERSON SITTING IN THE PARKED CAR. Right behind the window you basically have your face pressed against.
I have a constantly-updated note in my phone that lists the bathroom codes of every Starbucks in the neighborhood where I live and tutor.
And yes, I’m blurring them out because I’m genuinely nervous that if everyone knows and abuses them, Starbucks will change the codes and I’ll be back at square 1.
THIS IS THE WAY I LIVE MY LIFE.