Tag Archives: parenting

Upper East Side Standards

Before my first session with a new client…

Parent (to her kid): “I want you to listen to everything Miss Emily says, because she went to Penn, and if you listen to her, one day you can go to a school like that, too. Wouldn’t that be so great?”

Kid: (blank stare)

BECAUSE HE’S THREE.

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Family Planning, Part 2

(Related to Family Planning )

Eric just learned that his company offers paid paternity leave. This, naturally, lead to a serious, contemplative discussion about parenthood.

(No, I’m not pregnant).

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We’re obviously kidding, relax.

They’ll be a soccer team.

I hate football.

 

That is BRAND NEW INFORMATION

On the phone with my mom…

Mom: “So I guess Dad and I are never getting our car back, huh?”

Me: “Ummm, incorrect. I sent Dad an entire email detailing how Zack is going to drive it back to Maryland next weekend.”

Mom: “Oh, Dad didn’t tell me.”

Me: “Shocking.”

Mom: “Well, next time you email information like that, just include me on it, because Dad doesn’t tell me anything.”

Me: “Ok.”

Mom: “Actually, you know. There’s a secret way you can include me on the email, so he can’t even see.”

Me: “There IS?!?!?”

Mom: “Yes it’s called a blind copy.”

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Oh I See What You Did There

Parent of student: “Why isn’t her math improving more?!”

Me (aloud): “Progress takes time.”

Me (internally): “Little do you know, ‘Progress takes time’ is just my vague, polite, professional code for GIVE ME A FUCKING BREAK, LADY– I see your kid one hour a week. If she doesn’t put in the effort between sessions, well…I’M NOT A GODDAMN WIZARD.”


Me: “Why aren’t I improving more?!”

Therapist: “Progress takes time.”

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Pregnancy Brain

I contacted a client to let her know she paid me the wrong amount.

Client: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Must be pregnancy brain.”

Me: “You’re pregnant? Congratulations! That’s so exciting!”

Client: “Oh, no no. Back when I was pregnant, I started using ‘pregnancy brain’ as a reason for doing dumb things, and I’ve just continued to use it because it’s the best excuse.”

She had one kid 9 years ago.

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Things I Understand

A parent watches me finish up a lesson with her kid.

Parent: “You’re really good with her. She really listens to you.”
Me: “Aw, thanks.”
Parent: “Not to scare you, but…you know it won’t be that way with your own kids, right?”

Um, yeah lady. The success of my entire home-tutoring career stems from the premise that kids don’t listen to their parents.

 

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