Parent (to me): “So on my kid’s middle school application, I have to explain her multiple absences last year, what do you think I should put as the reason?”
Me: “Well. What WAS the reason?”
Parent: “My ex-husband is a useless dickbag and couldn’t get her to school in the morning while I worked.”
Me: “Um….’family circumstances?'”
Parent: “Oooooh, that’s GOOD! You know all the right things to say.”
Oh to be clear I would 100% write the dickbag thing. In all caps, 30-point font, and with these emoji
It just seems you want to go in a different direction.
Dad: “You can’t post things that are going to make me worry.”
Two days ago, beloved Grandma dies: stay surprisingly positive. Recognize that she was 96, lived a full life, and I was lucky to have had her with me for as long as I did. Feel nostalgic but optimistic.
Tonight, wait over 30 minutes on platform for a subway train: have complete nervous breakdown. Cry in public. Throw shit. Feel like world is ending and nothing is fair. Curse at ceiling.
So yeah I’m fine.
On the phone with my mom…
Mom: “So I guess Dad and I are never getting our car back, huh?”
Me: “Ummm, incorrect. I sent Dad an entire email detailing how Zack is going to drive it back to Maryland next weekend.”
Mom: “Oh, Dad didn’t tell me.”
Mom: “Well, next time you email information like that, just include me on it, because Dad doesn’t tell me anything.”
Mom: “Actually, you know. There’s a secret way you can include me on the email, so he can’t even see.”
Me: “There IS?!?!?”
Mom: “Yes it’s called a blind copy.”
Steph and Andrew are going apple picking with their friends instead of hanging out with us. We are jealous and decided to poke.
Eric and I let Zack borrow our (Dad’s) car for the weekend. He returned it to the garage last night, which is about 7 blocks from our apartment.
Also please note how he totally threw his girlfriend under the bus.
Two hours into a 24-hour babysitting stint with my nephew, and I’ve already run through all the emotions.
One minute later:
One hour later:
Therapist: “So, you and Eric are talking about starting a family soon?”
Me: “Well, I mean, yeah. Not right this moment, but soon. We’re married and we both want kids and I’m not getting any younger, so…”
Therapist: “Yes, you’ve said that. But what about right now makes you feel more ready than when we’ve talked about it in the past?”
Me (thinking): “Well….we came up with a hilarious way to announce it on Facebook.”
Me: “Oh, is that not a sign of readiness?”
Whatever, lady. Like anyone’s ready for this shit.
My nephew just started school.
Having one of those mornings where I’m feeling antsy, restless, and a little lost. So like any highly educated, emotionally intelligent individual, I turned to my decision-making paperweight spinner for answers.
Me: “So like, in life in general, Spinning Paperweight….what next?”
Ok, so. Babies.