Tag Archives: siblings

ALERT!!!

Our annual 2-week Outer Banks vacation (the one Eric and I missed last year due to the minor inconvenience of birthing a human) begins tomorrow, and so on Thursday, out of NOWHERE, Mom decided to inform us of a new vacation policy, which I think we can all agree was definitely deserving of the eye-catching, panic-inducing headline below.

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Ok.

Cool idea– I mean, we’re all down for reducing waste and making Mom feel better about her trip to Cambodia.

But unfortunately, Zack took a different approach to the huge grocery shop we do once we get down there, and decided to think ahead this year:

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Bummer. (Also hilarious).

But Mom, steadfast in her desire to save the planet one luxury beach vacation at a time, did not let this hiccup deter her.

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Zack, who spent his childhood tending to a trunk full of worm composting in our basement, was in no mood for a lecture.

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Regardless, he was down.

But he also wanted to be realistic about the fact that our desire to go green might directly conflict with our desire to not gag on what is essentially tepid toilet water.

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Mom would not be deterred.

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We thought the issue had been put to rest, but then Jeremy chimed in with his thoughts. And by “chimed” I mean he went on a Ranty McRant diatribe that he might as well submit for his PhD thesis. Pretty sure he wore a monocle while typing it.

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Yeah, I know.

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Dad then expressed exactly how he felt about the entire situation and basically let us know that we can all go fuck ourselves:

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Ok….

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Eons later, when we had all completely moved on with our lives, Steph found time to respond.

Her only concern was that her nanny be provided with her own tumbler.

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But what was super exciting about Steph’s response was that, for the first time in her life, she had used an exclamation point.

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Sadly, as you can see, it was a mistake. But least now we can rest assured that she knows where the ! key is located, should there ever be an emotive emergency.

Dad then took Steph’s query as an opportunity to remind us again how cool he is, in case we forgot:

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Ok, Dad. We get it.

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Mom remained undeterred. Hell or high (tap) water, this woman was getting us green.

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So there you have it.

Meanwhile, on the sibling text chain:

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Well Duck Me

Last year, I changed an autocorrect setting on my iPhone because every time I tried to write “fuck” or “fucking” (often and always), the phone changed it to “duck” or “ducking.” Since I’ve used the words “duck” and “ducking” in conversation all of NEVER times, I decided to change the setting so that instead it autocorrects “duck” to “fuck,” because fuck is clearly the word I want.

Until this ONE TIME.

Yesterday there was a family email chain discussing meal options for our upcoming Outer Banks vacation.

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So….you probably realize what’s about to happen. What you don’t realize is exactly HOW MUCH god hates me:

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Yup.

It’s the emoji that really makes me want to head down to city hall and register for a new family. I clearly don’t deserve to be in this one.

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Moments later my Dad replied with this:

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I can only assume that’s because he read my words and had a stroke.

My brothers were equally distraught.

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Anyway, let this be a lesson.

I don’t know what that lesson is.

I just need this to not have happened in vain.

Annoying

Talking with an someone I rarely see, but who has been following my social media since college:

Her: “How’s your nephew Tyler? Or as you guys call him, The Boog?”

Me: “He’s good! I love how I haven’t seen you in like 15 years but that you know my nephew’s name AND nickname.”

Her: “I mean….you posted about him a TON. Way more than you even post about your daughter.”

Me: “Yeah well I feel like it’s way less obnoxious to be like LOOK HOW CUTE MY NEPHEW IS than it is to say it about your own kid. Like when you say it about your own child, it’s annoying.”

Her: “Agree.”

Me: “But when you say it about your NEPHEW, it’s not annoying.”

Her: “DISagree.”

Oh.

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So As You Can Tell, I’ve Been Listening

My therapist and I spend one full hour discussing motherhood, and my difficulty in finding balance in my life. We discuss strategies for coping with the mom-related anxiety. We talk about how to feel less overwhelmed by the huge responsibility of raising a child. We come up with a schedule that will allow me to spend quality time with Nora but still be able to do things for myself. We discuss the utter importance of carving out time to write, because writing provides immeasurable benefits to my mental health.

Therapist: “I’m glad we have a plan for you to find more balance. Motherhood can be hard, but you’re doing great. Now before the session ends, is there anything else going on that you think I should know about?”

Me: “Oh, yes– I stopped breastfeeding. So we’ll probably have to keep an eye on that, from a hormonal standpoint.”

Therapist: “Yes, definitely. And I think with stopping the breastfeeding, you’ll find you have a lot more time to do things for yourself, which will be wonderful.”

Me: “Totally.”

Therapist: “Is that why you decided to stop?”

Me: “Well, no, not exactly. It’s more that with all the crazy hormones that go along with breastfeeding, I really just wanted to get my body regulated again and back to baseline…”

Therapist: “I think that’s a great decision.”

Me: “…so we can have another kid.”

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Well This Derailed Quickly

Eric decided to add a little friendly fun to this pregnancy experience (as his role has mainly consisted of fetching me things and being the human crane that lifts me from couch/bed/uber/toilet) by starting a family Baby Pool. The instructions were as follows:

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Here’s what has happened so far:

1. Dad became instantly confused by the Venmo situation. He doesn’t know how to use it and asked that somebody show him. My uncle, trying to be helpful, suggested “download it. It’s pretty self explanatory from there.” I am certain he lost Dad at “download.”

2. Mom remained silent on the Venmo topic but I already know she’s confused, because the last time I was home the following conversation took place:

Mom: “I need you to show me how to buy Venmo.”

Me: “You mean download Venmo?”

Mom: “No, I know how to download things, thank you very much. But I need you to show me how to buy it.”

Me: “But you don’t buy it, you download it.”

Mom: “I know that.”

Me: “Ok…”

Mom: “Ok.”

And then nothing happened.

3. My mother-in-law texted separately with her own Venmo questions, but I’m still not quite sure where we stand on me being allowed to make fun of her on my blog, so I’m just going to let that one marinate.

4. Zack sent in his due date guess for August 28th, despite Eric and I sending these follow-up emails beforehand:

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So either Zack doesn’t read our emails, or he is banking on me being induced the 26th and laboring for 48+ hours. Either way– fuck you, man.

5. Jeremy hasn’t given even the slightest indication that he has read the emails or plans to participate (or is alive). This might be because Eric called him poor (in highlighted font), or it’s simply Jeremy being Jeremy. I’m banking on the latter. He’s pretty fucking aware that he’s poor.

6. In a shocking turn of events, nothing from Steph. We know she read the email and text conversations because Andrew has been actively responding while in her presence, but we imagine that she is this exact level of interested img_2021-6.

7. My 3-year-old nephew The Boog, however, was the first to submit his entry. He thinks the baby will be born on August 10, at 10pm, weighing 10 pounds and measuring 10 inches. He also insisted on paying $10. We tried to explain to him that the entry fee is $5 (and that numbers other than 10 exist), but he told us to keep the 10 and cover Uncle Jeremy’s entry, who he heard is poor.

8. As for our niece, we have been informed that she has some follow-up questions for me and Eric, as she would like to collect a bit more information before entering her submission. She is 3.

So bottom line we only have 2 submissions so far, as this whole fun baby pool idea has derailed into a bit of a shitshow and likely won’t actually come to fruition. To be clear, this post, which I will link to Facebook and tag every single family member in, is not at all a passive-aggressive attempt to spur everyone into action. Because I’m above that.

Really.

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