Tag Archives: auto-correct

Well Duck Me

Last year, I changed an autocorrect setting on my iPhone because every time I tried to write “fuck” or “fucking” (often and always), the phone changed it to “duck” or “ducking.” Since I’ve used the words “duck” and “ducking” in conversation all of NEVER times, I decided to change the setting so that instead it autocorrects “duck” to “fuck,” because fuck is clearly the word I want.

Until this ONE TIME.

Yesterday there was a family email chain discussing meal options for our upcoming Outer Banks vacation.


So….you probably realize what’s about to happen. What you don’t realize is exactly HOW MUCH god hates me:



It’s the emoji that really makes me want to head down to city hall and register for a new family. I clearly don’t deserve to be in this one.


Moments later my Dad replied with this:


I can only assume that’s because he read my words and had a stroke.

My brothers were equally distraught.



Anyway, let this be a lesson.

I don’t know what that lesson is.

I just need this to not have happened in vain.

Duck You, Auto-Correct

Dear Auto-Correct,

I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”

So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.

I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.

Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.