Tag Archives: dating

It’s not you, Yoga. It’s me. But also you. Well, MOSTLY you, really.

I went to my first prenatal yoga class this morning.

I hated it.

I’ve been having some back pain for the past 2 weeks so various sources, including my therapist, recommended a prenatal yoga class to “open up the body.” I’ve tried yoga twice in the past (over 10 years ago) and didn’t particularly enjoy it at all, but I will always follow my therapist’s advice in the same way Michael Scott followed his GPS into a lake, which is to say that even if my instincts tell me this is not going to be good, I have no choice but to obey the all-knowing robot.

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So I nodded as if I knew what “open up the body” even meant, and signed up for a trial class.

The first thing I was instructed to do was put one hand on my heart, one hand on my belly, and send an “intention” to baby. In hindsight I realize that this intention was supposed to be something along the lines of “I intend to love you forever,” but mine was “I intend not to piss on this floor in front of all these people, so get off my bladder.”

After that was just a calling out of a series of poses I did not know, so I just kind of helplessly watched the person in front of me, which worked just fine until we all turned our bodies and I was the person in front img_2021-6.

That’s when I just sat down and pretended I needed water. Water was in fact the last thing I needed, given the aforementioned urge to piss myself. But I sat there sipping until I increased my odds of a public pants-wetting to about 98%.

The last 15 minutes of just lying back on an incline and breathing were fine, but I sort of felt like I could do that at home, alone, with a huge bowl of egg salad on my lap, like I did last week.

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Not sure why I need to add a $35 fee and a bunch of far-more-in-shape-and-confident-than-I pregnant ladies to this scenario.

Bottom line, I spent most of the class feeling anxious and wondering if I was doing everything wrong (which, to be clear, I was). I hear anxiety is the exact opposite of what you’re supposed to feel during yoga. Well, I’ve always been pretty good at feeling the opposite of what one is SUPPOSED to feel, so I guess this falls right in line.

And this is all meant with no disrespect to yogis. I wholeheartedly respect your love and appreciation for yoga, and I hope you are not offended by my distaste for it, in the same way that I am not offended when people tell me that running is boring, horrible torture and they’d rather stab themselves in the face with Satan’s fiery pitchfork than run a marathon. I don’t agree, per se (and honestly, calm the fuck down, you’re being a little dramatic), but I totally get it. Not your thing.

So, Yoga, we’ll just have to leave it at that. You’re not for me. I gave you several tries, I wanted to like you, but deep down I just know there’s something better out there for me. I had that mentality while dating, and I managed to land this guy:

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So let’s just say I trust my gut.

Like a Robot

There is an old cantankerous man who lives in our building, and every time he walks into the elevator and sees me on my phone (which is always), he makes a snide comment about it. Normally I just smile awkwardly and sort of ignore, but today I decided to defend myself.

Old man: “Those things are ruining people. Nobody talks to each other anymore.”

Me: “Yes, you always say that to me.”

Old man: “Well, it’s true. How’s anyone supposed to meet if they’re always looking at their phone?”

Me: “Actually, I met my husband on my phone.”

Old man: “You mean you were talking on the phone when you met him?”

Me: “No, I literally found him BECAUSE OF my phone. I was in an elevator like this one, and instead of talking to people around me, I was scrolling through a dating app. I came across his profile, read it, and I liked it, so I connected with him and we started talking.”

Old man: “I see…”

Me: “Right, so, if I hadn’t been looking at my phone, if I had been talking to people around me instead, as you always say I should be doing, then I wouldn’t have found my husband.”

Old man (long pause): “Well, young lady, I guess that’s a good point.”

Me (smiling, resisting the urge to literally pat myself on the back): “Thank you.”

(We both step out of the elevator and into the lobby) 

Doorman: “Hey there, Eddie!”

Old man: “The whole world’s gone to shit. This girl met her husband INSIDE A PHONE! Like a ROBOT!”

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Honesty Is the Best Policy

Guy friend (who is single): “Sooo…I know what you’ve been saying to your single girlfriends about me.”

Me: “Ok, fine. I figured it’d get back to you. But look. It’s nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. I absolutely adore you, you know that. I think you’re awesome. But at no point in knowing you have I seen any evidence that you want a real relationship. So yeah, I told my single girlfriends that– that I wouldn’t want to proactively set you up with them. Because I just don’t trust that you WANT a girlfriend. And you know what? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the facts based on what–”

Guy friend: “Oh my god, stop talking. I was joking. I haven’t heard anything. ”

Oh.

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Dating

Tutoring 2nd grade boy in the public library….

Kid: “So now you have a husband?”

Me: “Correct.”

Kid: “Before he was your husband, were you guys dating?”

Me: “Yes, we were.”

Kid: <Dramatically puts head in hands, pulls at his hair, and makes extremely loud, prolonged barfing sound.  Entire library stares.>

Me: “I know. I completely agree.”

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Maybe I’ll Let Eric Do The Talking

“Where’d we meet? On an app called J-Swipe. Oh, you don’t know it? Well, it’s an app where Jews can swipe left or right on other Jews. It’s also location-based, so you can see all the Jews in your immediate vicinity. Basically I looked at my app and was like, ‘What’s that, a Jew 2 blocks away? Sounds convenient– let’s do this!’ No no, don’t give me that look. This was not a sleazy late night meeting. I know people refer to J-Swipe as the Jewish Tinder, but it’s really not the same reputation. And besides, Tinder doesn’t even have that slutty rep anymore! I totally know people who have found true love on Tinder. But anyway, I think the fact that it’s a Jewish site makes it inherently less one-night-stand-ish because, I mean, if you’re a Jew specifically looking for another Jew, you presumably are probably wanting more than just a one-night ‘wham bam thank you jewish ma’am?’ Don’t you think?”

(silence)

“Oh, I’m sorry…I thought we were in the trust tree…in the nest. Are we not?”

— Conversation I envision happening when we meet with our wedding rabbi.

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