Guy friend (who is single): “Sooo…I know what you’ve been saying to your single girlfriends about me.”
Me: “Ok, fine. I figured it’d get back to you. But look. It’s nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. I absolutely adore you, you know that. I think you’re awesome. But at no point in knowing you have I seen any evidence that you want a real relationship. So yeah, I told my single girlfriends that– that I wouldn’t want to proactively set you up with them. Because I just don’t trust that you WANT a girlfriend. And you know what? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the facts based on what–”
Guy friend: “Oh my god, stop talking. I was joking. I haven’t heard anything. ”
— Kid, when I enthusiastically asked if she was ready and excited to learn.
In reference to my post Hello? , a friend texted me the following:
Me (to student): “Did you do your homework on a calculator?”
Me: “Well, I find it hard to believe that you randomly came up with that super long number as your answer. Which would technically be the correct answer to 40 divided by 3, had you used a decimal point after the first 3. But that would be strange, since we never taught you decimal points. Only remainders.”
Kid: (Blank stare)
Me: “Also, I see NO work.”
Kid: (Blanker stare)
Me: “So again, I will ask you– did you use a calculator?”
Kid (wide-eyed): “NO. I did NOT.”
Me: “Unfortunately I don’t believe you.”
Kid: “I swear! I used an iPhone!!!!!”
Kid: “My mom and I saw you running in Central Park on Saturday!”
Me: “Oh yeah!? How’d I look?”
Kid: “REALLY tired.”
Me: “Hahah yeah– I was!”
“Um excuse me– why do you wear so much makeup?”
— family friend. Age 5.
(Continuation of Just Based on Your Looks )
So last week, a kid told me that physically, I resemble a Siberian cat. She wasn’t sure which animal represented my personality, but she thought about it (a LOT) over the weekend and finally decided:
I shit you not. She decided I am a sperm whale.
I asked her why, and she gave me an entire dissertation. Literally a 10-15 point list. I asked her to please write it down because at a certain point, I was unable to follow what the hell she was saying.
I did manage, however, to process and remember her #1 reason: “Sperm whales are very intelligent animals that hang around the bottom of the ocean with the least intelligent of species.”
I’m assuming this is a dig at my co-teacher. Not because she’s not intelligent, but because that would be fucking hilarious.
Pretty much all the other reasons began with the sentence, “Well, don’t be offended by this, but…”
That’s when I stopped listening and told her to put it in writing.
To be continued.
Kid (to my co teacher and me, as she exits the stage after the performance): “That was horrible!”
Us: “What?! Stop! Don’t say that! It was wonderful! You were great!”
It really was fucking awful.
Me: “Hey kiddo! Excited to see me?!”
Kid (shrugging shoulders): “I’m not sure.”
Ok then try lying. Jerk.
Kid: “My mom is definitely going to vote for Hillary Clinton. And my Dad said that you are definitely going to vote for her too.”
Me: “Why– because I’m a woman?”
Kid: “No. Because you’re poor.”