Tag Archives: children

I’ll Keep That in Mind, Person With Zero Life Experience

Kid: “How old is your son?”

Me: “Huh? I don’t have a son.”

Kid: “Oh, then who is that kid on your phone’s lock screen?”

Me: “Ooooooh, that’s my nephew!”

Kid: “Oh. So you don’t have any kids?”

Me: “No.”

Kid: “But you just got married, right?”

Me: “Correct.”

Kid: “Then shouldn’t your lock screen be a picture of your husband?”

Me: “Is that a rule?”

Kid: “Well, I just think, like, it should be THE most important person to you. And that person should be your husband, if you don’t have kids. I’m just saying.”

Well aren’t we judgy at 9 years old.

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Pregnancy Brain

I contacted a client to let her know she paid me the wrong amount.

Client: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Must be pregnancy brain.”

Me: “You’re pregnant? Congratulations! That’s so exciting!”

Client: “Oh, no no. Back when I was pregnant, I started using ‘pregnancy brain’ as a reason for doing dumb things, and I’ve just continued to use it because it’s the best excuse.”

She had one kid 9 years ago.

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The Future

About to play a math game…

Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( Face_With_Rolling_Eyes_Emoji_large. crosses arms. pouts.)

We’re so fucked.

 

Things I Understand

A parent watches me finish up a lesson with her kid.

Parent: “You’re really good with her. She really listens to you.”
Me: “Aw, thanks.”
Parent: “Not to scare you, but…you know it won’t be that way with your own kids, right?”

Um, yeah lady. The success of my entire home-tutoring career stems from the premise that kids don’t listen to their parents.

 

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Afraid

Teaching kid a new math skill…

Kid: “Can you show me one more time? I’m not ready to try.”
Me: “I showed you several times– at this point you will learn best by doing it yourself. Just give it a try!”
Kid: “But sometimes I get afraid to try.”
Me: “There is nothing to be afraid of. Trying is how you learn, and if it doesn’t go the way you want it to, that just gives you good information for how to try again. Learning and success is a process, kiddo!”
Kid: “So you mean if I get it wrong, just learn from it?”
Me: “Yes! You got it!”
Kid: “When you say it like that, it doesn’t sound so scary.”
Me: “Exactly. It really is THAT easy. Just try! I promise you, you have nothing to lose!”

(2 hours later)

Therapist: “So have you taken any steps to pursue a writing career?”
Me: “No. I’m too afraid to try.”

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