Category Archives: Being Awkward/Dumb Stuff I Do

I Failed the Intake Process

When you meet with a hematologist re: a blood disorder, the first thing they do is take your medical history to determine if you’ve ever had bleeding problems in the past.

Hematologist: “Ok, this is probably the most important question that will help me determine your blood clotting status– have you ever had any surgeries?”

Me: “No.”

Hematologist: “Lucky you! Have you ever broken a bone?”

Me: “I broke my foot about 9 years ago. Fractured my wrist when I was a kid. And, well, my nose was broken when I had a nose job, obviously, if that counts.”

Hematologist: “You had a nose job? But you just said you never had surgery!”

Me: “Oh, well, that’s like, not really a surgery.”

Hematologist: “A rhinoplasty is definitely a surgery.”

Me: “Ok, well, you say surgery, I say birthday present. Or family rite of passage. Or my mother’s suggestion. Or–”

Hematologist: “Ok just tell me if you had a bleeding problem during or after surgery.”

Me: “No.”

Hematologist: “Ok, any other surgeries I should know about?

Me: “No.”

Hematologist: “Have you ever had problems with your gums, or had gum grafting?”

Me: “No. But when I had my chin done they did cut through my gums in order to–”

Hematologist: “You had a genioplasty?! That’s ALSO surgery.”

Me: “Ok, well, that’s a very fancy word for it. And again, it wasn’t so much a surgery as just an add-on or a necessary complement to the nose–”

Hematologist: giphy.gif


I need a Jewish doctor.



Here’s How to Take a Great Idea and Ruin It

I thought cutting off all my own hair, alone and by myself, while listening to Kesha’s “Praying” would be super therapeutic (and it was! For exactly 5 seconds), since the only other time I cut my own hair was in the middle of the night when I was 6, after which I promptly blamed my brother, so I never got to really bask in the glory of my work.

Newsflash: There is no glory. I look very very bad.

Turns out there is a reason hair dressers do this for you. One reason is that THEY KNOW WHAT THE FUCK THEY’RE DOING. Another reason is that they have a straight angle, and can therefore cut the hair evenly. As you can see in the haphazard-looking nubs above the hair bands, I did not accomplish this. It looks like someone cut my hair with a samurai sword.

The good news is that some child, through the nonprofit Children With Hair Loss, will receive a lovely 11-inch wig, which is a small price to pay for me looking like a gnome.

Now, Jose at Aveda Salon, you better hold on to your hat. Our appointment today will be more therapy than haircut.

#iwasonlysupposedtocut8inches #oops #shorthairdontcarefreakingthefuckout #shorthairDONTDOTHISATHOME (oh, you would never do this at home, because you’re smart and rational? HOW NICE FOR YOU.)


This Isn’t Even Embarrassing It’s Just My Life

As I’m leaving an hour-long tutoring session…

Kid (to her mom): “Mom, you always say I have to take those off (points to nape of my neck) but Miss Emily didn’t!!”

Me (confused): “Wait, what?”

Parent: “Something tells me Miss Emily did not know it was there. And I was going to try to let her leave without embarrassing her, but I guess that’s not happening now.” (opens drawer, grabs scissors, cuts this off my sweater and hands it to me):




Tech Support

Dear Apple Inc.,

Your iPhone product sucks. 50% of the time I go to use the Touch ID login, it doesn’t work. WTF? I thought you guys were supposed to be some kind of wizard geniuses.



Dear Emily,

Our data suggests that 95% of the time your Touch ID fails, it is due to the exorbitant amount of egg salad on your thumb. This egg salad obstruction impedes the device from accurately scanning your print. We are certain that if you learn to eat like a human, this will no longer be a problem.


Apple Inc.


Dear Apple Inc.,

Forks are for losers and a true lady eats her cold deli salads with a potato chip utensil, but I suppose I see your point re: the obstruction. I still think the technology should be sophisticated enough to scan through food or any other thick layer of grime that might be on my hand at any given moment.



Dear Emily,

You need more help than we here at Apple Inc. are qualified to provide.

Good luck in life,

Apple Inc.


Hazards You Didn’t Know Were Hazards

Did you know that if you accidentally shoot yourself in the eye with a waterpik on full blast, you will pop blood vessels?

What’s that? No? Because why would that ever happen to you? Because you’d never press the “on” button before putting the device in your mouth, particularly if it’s pointed at your eyeball? Because who points a waterpik at their eyeball? Because you pay attention to the things you do as you’re doing them? Because you’re generally able to complete daily life tasks without risking your life? Because even a monkey can use a waterpik without injury, and you’re smarter than a monkey?