Today I went to the OBGYN for a regular check up– my first one since giving birth to Sophie.
Receptionist (reviewing my forms): “Oh. We have you in the system as Emily. Did you change your name?”
Me: “What? No. Why?”
patient name you wrote ‘Sophie.'”
Me: “Oh my god, I did? Sorry. That’s my daughter’s name. I’m always going to doctors for my kids and can’t remember the last time I had a check up for myself, I must have been on autopilot.”
Receptionist (smiles politely): “I see. So you’re still Emily?”
Me: “Yes, sorry.”
(awkward silence as she fixes my form)
Me: “You guys must see this all the time.”
Receptionist: “Never once!”
Eric (after reading
Stigma ): “You know, that’s so weird because I just went to the doctor today and he was like ‘Oh! You got married!….Do you want some Prozac?'”
Urologist: “So I’m looking at your test results. First of all, you didn’t mention that you’re pregnant. That would certainly explain the frequent urination.”
Me: “What?!? I’m not pregnant!
Urologist (looking at results again): “According to this ultrasound report you are.”
Me: “What?! It says I’m pregnant?! But…”
Urologist: “Oh, oh. Nope. This isn’t your chart.”
You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.
Also THANK. CHRIST.
“Absolutely nothing noteworthy.” —
Urologist, after thoroughly inspecting my lady parts.
Fuck you, man.
Sitting here in the dermatologist waiting room, there is a teenage boy with severe acne, looking pretty sad.
I wanted to lean over to him and whisper, “Don’t worry, it gets better,” but then I remembered that I’m here to get my moles checked for cancer.
So it doesn’t really get
better…it just gets… deadlier?
I’m going to stay quiet.
Is it weird that when I booked this urologist appointment on ZocDoc, in the “notes for the doctor” section I put a link to
this blog post?
On a side note, everyone in this waiting room is approximately 106 years old. And male.
Pretty sure we’re all Jewish, though.
I started my therapy session by listing a few concerns…
Me: “My bladder is EXTREMELY overactive lately. Like I have to pee every 5 minutes and it’s really interfering with my life. I know for sure I don’t have a UTI. I’ve also noticed that I’ve been bruising really easily. So I went to the doctor and he did an ultrasound on my kidneys, liver, bladder, and uterus…but so far everything looks fine. I’m still waiting for the blood test results. But do you have any theories?”
Therapist: “It sounds like you’re drinking a lot of water. And bumping into things.”