Tag Archives: medical

We’re Off to a Good Start

Our first OB appointment was at 8 weeks (Jan 16th), and it is an understatement to say we went in pretty clueless.

When the doctor approached me with a HUGE dildo-looking instrument to perform the transvaginal (re: up-the-hooha) ultrasound, we did not realize that was a thing (doctor-dildos OR transvaginal ultrasounds). Movies always show the ultrasound with goo on the belly, and it’s safe to say that everything we know about the medical side of pregnancy comes from movies. (But like, well-researched movies such as Knocked Up.)

When the doctor asked me to scoot down and spread my legs wide, Eric, who had been standing near my belly, quickly scurried toward the safety of my head like a frightened crab.

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Everything in that gif is on point because I swear the sonogram tool was the size of that truck (and from what I hear, my vagina, at the end of all this, will resemble that tire).

Me: “I just have one request– please please only find ONE baby in there.”

Eric: “And I’ll take a Bitcoin if you see one!”

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So yeah our doctor hates us.

 

A Tired, Dehydrated People

I recently had blood work done that showed low thyroid levels, so my doctor referred me to an endocrinologist.

Endocrinologist: “Your thyroid is inflamed and operating at about 60%. You’ve likely had chronic hypothyroidism your entire life, but sometimes stress can really bring it to the surface. It likely runs in your family. Is anyone in your family ‘high-energy?'”

Me: cracking-myself-up

Endocrinologist: “So no?”

Me: “To quote my brother-in-law– ‘The Lermans are a tired, dehydrated people.'”

Endocrinologist: “You said you have 3 siblings. All low energy?”

Me: “My sister has one setting and it’s this: img_2021-6. Jeremy is essentially a bear living in eternal winter. There are times on family vacation, during his 3rd or 4th nap of the day, when I have actually leaned over and checked his pulse. Zack has spurts of energetic enthusiasm when motivated, but then needs a 16 hour slumber to recover from his efforts. He also….like….talks…..like…..this…..”

Endocrinologist: “And your parents?”

Me: “My mother moves at the pace of a snail on Valium and has the voice of a soft bird. If you’re not sitting DIRECTLY next to her, or better yet, on her lap, forget about being able to hear or understand a word she whisper-mumbles. That being said, she IS active, like socially and activity-wise. It’s just, like, a slow-motion active.”

Endocrinologist: “And your Dad?”

Me: “Can’t sit still. The one exception.”

Endocrinologist: “Your husband?”

Me: “Like a corgi puppy lapping up a dish of Red Bull. Is that even important?”

Endocrinologist: “No I’m just enjoying your descriptions. None of this matters. Your thyroid’s broken, here are some pills.”

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Stigma

Went to see my general practitioner for my yearly check-up today.

Doctor: “Are you still taking Prozac for depression and anxiety?”

Me: “Yes, 30mg.”

Doctor: “Hmmmm. That’s more than you were taking last year.”

Me: “Yes…”

Doctor: “But you just got married?”

Me: “Yes.”

Doctor: “Well that’s a happy event! That didn’t help the depression?”

Me: “It was a happy event. I’m not sure what that has to do with my mental illness.”

Doctor: “I would just think the wedding would boost your spirits, no?”

Me: “It did. It also boosted my husband’s spirits– and yet, wouldn’t you know it, he still has diabetes!”

 

Yeah, so. I need a new doctor.

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You Need to Find a New Line of Work

Xray technician: “Ok, hold still, face forward, I’m going to take an xray of your neck.”

(pause as she takes xray)

Xray technician (looking at xray): “What the…?! What IS that?”

Me: “Oh my god, what?!”

Xray technician: “There’s a huge mass on the xray, right where I’m trying to get the photo.”

Me: “A mass?!”

Xray technician: “Yeah…right…Ohhh, oh oh. It’s your bun.”

Me: “My hair?”

Xray technician: “Yeah. Try putting your hair all the way up on the top of your head. My bad.”

Me: “Jesus, you scared me. Did you have to use the word ‘mass’?!”

Xray technician (laughing): “Sorry about that. It’s been a long Monday. You know how it is.”

No. No I do NOT.

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Surprise! 

Urologist: “So I’m looking at your test results. First of all, you didn’t mention that you’re pregnant. That would certainly explain the frequent urination.”

Me: “What?!? I’m not pregnant!

Urologist (looking at results again): “According to this ultrasound report you are.”

Me: “What?! It says I’m pregnant?! But…”

Urologist: “Oh, oh. Nope. This isn’t your chart.”

You’ve got to be fucking kidding me.


Also THANK. CHRIST.

Treating Anxiety is an Exact Science

Me: “I’ve been thinking about lowering my meds again soon. I’m way less anxious these days.”

Therapist: “Good.”

Me: “Good that I want to lower them? Or good that I feel less anxious?”

Therapist: “Good that you feel less anxious.”

Me: “So you don’t agree I should lower them?”

Therapist: “I didn’t say that.”

Me: “But you didn’t agree.”

Therapist: “I didn’t know you were seeking my agreement.”

Me: “Well…I don’t like it when you have NO reaction to an idea I’ve presented.”

Therapist: “Why is that?”

Me: “BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL ANXIOUS!”

(long pause)

Me: “Yeah let’s keep the meds where they are.”

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A Sincere Thank You

For those of you who don’t know (and if you’re my Facebook friend, that is damn near impossible– unless you’ve blocked me from your newsfeed, which would be entirely understandable and something I would probably do), I am running the NYC Half Marathon on March 20th to raise money for the Juvenile Diabetes Research Foundation in honor of Eric, my wonderful boyfriend and a Type 1 diabetic. I’ve done FB thank you’s and sent emails/texts (maybe even put in a few VOICE calls! No just kidding I didn’t), but I wanted to also use the blog as a platform to express my sincerest gratitude to everyone who has donated to the fundraiser so far. I am astounded by how quickly I was able to reach and exceed my goal, thanks to all of you– your kindness and generosity never ceases to amaze me, dear friends and family (time and time and time again. And again. I know I fundraise a LOT….)

And just a quick special shout-out to Eric’s friends (aka, my new friends— because what’s his is mine and what’s mine is ours…). I definitely felt like a weirdo sending you guys solicitation requests, but I know how much you care about Eric and figured *maybe* you’d be interested in throwing some change to the cause in his honor. But you have COMPLETELY exceeded that expectation– and then some. So thank you from the very bottom of my heart, and, of course, from the very bottom of Eric’s heart…

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Eric’s heart isn’t that deep. I don’t know, maybe it’s the diabetes.

GO BRONCOS!!!!!

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(I told him no, by the way. He understood. Kind of.)

THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU, FRIENDS!!!!! WE LOVE YOU!!!

 

Not Better

Sitting here in the dermatologist waiting room, there is a teenage boy with severe acne, looking pretty sad. 

I wanted to lean over to him and whisper, “Don’t worry, it gets better,” but then I remembered that I’m here to get my moles checked for cancer. 

So it doesn’t really get better…it just gets…deadlier? 

I’m going to stay quiet.