My endocrinologist, who I now see for my newly acquired thyroid problem (thank you, pregnancy) is VERY old and the NICEST man, but also quite possibly the weirdest, and he never lets the appointment end without giving me parenting advice that I did not ask for.
Doctor: “The books are going to tell you all kinds of things, and everyone is going to have their opinion, but let me tell you right now, the best thing you can do is have your baby sleep in the bed with you.”
Me: “Oh, yeah I mean I have no judgement about that. I’m not sure it’s the route we’re going to take, but–”
Doctor: “I’m telling you, do it. It’s just the most wonderful thing to have your kid in your bed with you. And don’t let anyone tell you it’s dangerous, or it’s not healthy. That’s nonsense. Don’t listen to the critics– you can have them sleeping in your bed with you ’til they’re 13!”
Me: (laughing) “13!? Alright well THAT’S a little extreme.”
Doctor: “That’s what my wife and I did with our son.”
Doctor: “Yeah and I’ll tell you what, he grew up to be a very nice Jewish man. Very successful, very smart, very well-known. Went into politics. ”
Oh. Is this him?
I’m an open-mouthed sleeper, which often results in chapped lips.
You know, from drool.
(Someone married me!)
To remedy this problem, I have asked Eric to please close my mouth for me while I sleep. As any husband would do for his wife.
Me, this morning, upon noticing my lips are chapped: “Ugh, this is all your fault– you didn’t close my mouth in my sleep!”
Eric: “I prefer to close your mouth when you’re awake.”
Eric: “What happened last night? You woke up SCREAMING in the middle of the night, it was crazy.”
Emily: “I know, sorry. I was having this really horrible nightmare.”
Eric: “What happened?”
Emily: “I was in a classroom trying to get everyone to be quiet and no one was listening, and no matter what I did, the kids kept misbehaving, and totally ignoring me like I didn’t even exist, so finally I mustered all my strength and just yelled as loud as I could.”
So basically my “really horrible nightmare” was my regular life every day for 9 years.
I have notoriously disturbing dreams, clearly driven by my anxiety. Sometimes they’re straight up terrifying horror shows, other times they are just upsetting and leave me feeling uneasy, like last night’s.
Eric: “Did you sleep ok? You were tossing and turning.”
Me: “No. I had a dream where, for whatever reason, I was walking around a mall holding thousands of dollars in a bag. And I stopped in the mall arcade, and put a $1000 bill in the arcade machine, even though I meant to put in a $10. But then it was too late. So it ate the money and gave me tickets. But then, I actually ended up winning all these vouchers– like thousands of dollars in vouchers. All I had to do was go claim it. But then somehow I misplaced the bag with my cash and vouchers, and I ended up losing all the money I started with, plus the money I won. I started panicking, sweating, running around the mall, trying to retrace my steps. Everyone was telling me how irresponsible I am. And the more they said it, the more I panicked, but no matter what I did I couldn’t find my way back to the money, and nobody would help me.”
Eric: “I dreamt that I wore my new Uggs and someone was like– ‘you don’t have to wear socks with those, they’re so soft!'”
Or is this just preparation for marriage?
Then, 2 days later:
Last night I had a nightmare that I was hanging off the edge of a cliff, and the only person who could save me was Donald Trump. He held out his hand and said, “I’ll save you– but if I do, it will guarantee that I become president.” I looked down and realized my only other option was a bloody, gory, untimely death. So obviously, I took Trump’s hand.
And pulled him down with me.
This new FitBit really IS helping me accomplish all my fitness goals!
I’m pretty sure if you’re sleeping almost 10 hours every night, it shouldn’t congratulate you. It should ask if you’re ok and recommend a doctor.
(Said with giddy excitement and glee): “Wait wait shhhh!!! This is the best part coming up, where you actually wake yourself up!”
— Eric, playing back a 3-minute long recording he took of my snoring the other night
(Part of the What is Love series)
Love is when he wakes up in the morning, wraps you in his arms, nuzzles his face in your neck and whispers “I wanted to strangle you in your sleep last night. You need to start using Breathe Right strips.”