Tag Archives: pregnancy

Family Planning, Part 2

(Related to Family Planning )

Eric just learned that his company offers paid paternity leave. This, naturally, lead to a serious, contemplative discussion about parenthood.

(No, I’m not pregnant).

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We’re obviously kidding, relax.

They’ll be a soccer team.

I hate football.

 

Pregnancy Brain

I contacted a client to let her know she paid me the wrong amount.

Client: “Oh my god, I’m so sorry! Must be pregnancy brain.”

Me: “You’re pregnant? Congratulations! That’s so exciting!”

Client: “Oh, no no. Back when I was pregnant, I started using ‘pregnancy brain’ as a reason for doing dumb things, and I’ve just continued to use it because it’s the best excuse.”

She had one kid 9 years ago.

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Family Planning

Therapist: “So, you and Eric are talking about starting a family soon?”

Me: “Well, I mean, yeah. Not right this moment, but soon. We’re married and we both want kids and I’m not getting any younger, so…”

Therapist: “Yes, you’ve said that. But what about right now makes you feel more ready than when we’ve talked about it in the past?”

Me (thinking): “Well….we came up with a hilarious way to announce it on Facebook.”

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Me: “Oh, is that not a sign of readiness?”

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Whatever, lady. Like anyone’s ready for this shit.

When She Says It It Sounds So Rational

“Let’s focus more on what makes sense for you, in your life, right now, and less on what makes sense for Kim Kardashian. In fact, as a broader goal, maybe we don’t make the Kardashians a factor in any decisions, big or small, ever.”

— Therapist, after I explained the reason for my current “Should I be freezing my eggs?!” anxiety-spiral.

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Something’s in there all right

I’m in the elevator and an elderly lady walks in…

Lady (after staring at me for 10 seconds): “Are you pregnant?”
Me: “No. I am not. And honestly, this is the second time this has happened to me in an elevator and I don’t understand why.”
Lady: “It’s the way you’re holding your stomach. Makes it seem like something’s in there.”
Me: “Yeah, there is. Dairy. I’m Jewish.”
Lady: “Ah. Enough said.”

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