“Hey, so,” (clears throat, clearly nervous) “I was thinking…and I know this is a little audacious of me to ask, but– would you please consider getting pregnant again? Like, immediately? It’s just– the last time you were pregnant, well, those 9 months were pretty great for me. I finally got to relax and kick my feet up for a bit, you know? Rejuvenate. Catch my breath. Felt like my normal, healthy self again. But I’ve just really been working on overdrive since then. And now with the pandemic and your anxiety and everything…I’m just struggling to keep my head above water here. So you’ll consider it? Pregnancy? It’s really my only opportunity for a break. I know you need me to keep working hard, but I can’t keep going like this without some kind of respite. I’m not a wizard. And, um, I don’t mean for this to sound condescending but– you know you, like, NEED me in order to survive, right? Like I know you understand that in theory but it seems you don’t really follow through with it in daily practice. Ok ok sorry, my bad, I see I’m getting you worked up. I won’t get ahead of myself here. We don’t need to make any permanent life changes. I know that’s hard for you. Let’s just focus on my short-term, 9-month vacation for now, and maybe then down the line we can work on some longer-term goals. Cool?”
— My liver, to me
— Nora, when she sees wine.
*Data based on facts**.
**Facts based on experience***.
***Experience based on 17 years of eating wine for dinner.
That moment 10 minutes into your FaceTime tutoring session with a 4th grader when you realize the backdrop he’s curiously staring at behind you is no less than 13 bottles of liquor, plus a spoon holding a wine opener hostage with a gun.
We went to dinner last night and it took them over 45 minutes to deliver the drink we ordered as soon as we sat down. The drink ended up arriving AFTER the food. I was annoyed.
Me: “It’s just– I know this sounds weird but my favorite part of dining out is that pre-food cocktail, where your stomach is kind of empty and the drink feels warm in your belly and kind of goes straight to your head.”
Eric: “No, that’s not weird. I get that. A lot of people say that.”
Eric: “They’re all alcoholics, though.”
Me: “Can I drink coffee with the Invisalign in?”
What the dentist said: “No. It will stain them. If you drink liquids with the braces in, they need to be clear liquids.”
What I heard: “Instead of coffee, start your morning with white wine.”
Don’t mind if I do!
“Zack, is your shirt written in Chinese?”
— Andrew, 100% serious.
We had been drinking.
I imagine that when I’m pregnant one day, I will spend 1 month preparing for birth and 8 months preparing the drink I will finally get to have afterwards.
The baby thing will be learn-as-you-go, but it seems important to get that drink right.
You’ll get more steps on your Fit Bit if you walk allllllllllllllllll the way to the back of the liquor store where the pre-chilled wines are kept.