Tag Archives: teaching

AFTER That

I’m tutoring a middle schooler for an important test she will take at the end of the year. She is super anxious about it, so I promise her I will have her fully prepared.

Kid: “Ok but what if you just, like, up and die before the test? THEN WHAT AM I SUPPOSED TO DO?!”

Me: “Ok, well. I certainly do not plan to die this year. But if I did– which I won’t– well, I suppose you could start by feeling sad about the sudden and tragic loss of your dear tutor and friend.”

Kid: “Oh– right, yes. OF COURSE. Sorry. Of course I’d feel sad.”

(silence)

Kid: “But like, AFTER that…?”

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She KNEW it!!

Giving a kid a spelling test on homophones, I provide sentences for context. So for sun/son, I say:

“The SUN is shining brightly.”
“My SON is still a young baby.”

Kid: tumblr_inline_n1ojj6zKaC1qknuzb.gif
Me: “Excuse me?”
Kid: “My mom said your baby was a girl but I always see the picture on your phone and I told her it’s not a girl it’s DEFINITELY a boy! Like he’s the most boy-looking boy ever!”
Me: “That sentence was just to give context for your spelling test– it wasn’t true. I don’t have a son. I have a daughter.”
Kid: “Oh.”

(awkward silence)

Kid: “She’s VERY pretty.”

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So Pretty!

Kid: “Wow, you look so pretty!”
Me (admittedly blushing): “Oh my goodness thank you that’s so unexpected but so sweet!”
Kid (confused): “It wasn’t a compliment, but ok.”
Me: “Telling me I’m pretty isn’t a compliment?”
Kid: “Sweaty.”
Me: “What?”
Kid: “I didn’t say you looked pretty, I said you looked sweaty.”
Me: “Oh.”
Kid: “You did that thing my mom always says I do.”
Me: “What’s that?”
Kid: “Hearing what you want to hear.”
Me: “Hahah yeah I guess so!”

I hate you.

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Like My Toilet

Kid: “You smell like my toilet.”
Me: “Excuse me? That’s not a very nice thing to say.”
Kid: “But it’s true though!”
Me: “Do your math.”
 
One hour later, after I use his bathroom and notice he has the same hand lotion on his toilet that I use.
 
Me: “Wait! So did you mean I smell like that lotion you keep on your toilet?”
Kid: “Yeah. That’s what I said– you smell like my toilet.”
Me: “There’s a better way to say that.”
Kid: “Oh, sorry.”
(pause)
Kid: “You smell the SAME as my toilet.”
 
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Bilingual

My sister: “It’s great having a nanny from Colombia because now Tyler is learning to speak Spanish.”

Me: “Yeah I mean that’s cool and all but anyone can learn Spanish– they teach that in school. Thanks to my nanny Nora will learn to speak…

(googles language of Trinidad)

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Oh.

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Goddamnit.

Infinity

Kid: “What’s the highest number?”

Me: “There is no highest number. Numbers keep going and going and going…they are infinite.”

Kid: “What’s infinite?”

Me: “Having no end. Numbers go to infinity…”

Kid: “Then that’s the end. Infinity.”

Me: “Well, no– the very definition of infinity is ‘no end.'”

Kid: “So infinity is NOT the highest number?”

Me: “Infinity isn’t actually even a number, it’s a concept.”

Kid: “What’s a concept?”

Me: “Like, an idea…”

Kid: “So infinity is the highest idea?”

Me: “Well, no, there’s no ‘highest idea.’ That’s not a thing.”

Kid: “I don’t get it. What’s infinity then?”

Me: “It’s hard to explain.”

Kid: (silence)

Me: (prays conversation is over)

Kid: “So like, is there an infinity and one?”

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