(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Aaaaaaaand she ruined it.
This is how Eric responds to people’s baby announcements.
Here’s part of a professional client email I sent this morning.
Kid is in 1st grade.
**Posted with permission from his mother, who reads the blog and thankfully still trusts me with her kid.
Eric: “What happened last night? You woke up SCREAMING in the middle of the night, it was crazy.”
Emily: “I know, sorry. I was having this really horrible nightmare.”
Eric: “What happened?”
Emily: “I was in a classroom trying to get everyone to be quiet and no one was listening, and no matter what I did, the kids kept misbehaving, and totally ignoring me like I didn’t even exist, so finally I mustered all my strength and just yelled as loud as I could.”
So basically my “really horrible nightmare” was my regular life every day for 9 years.
Kid (after her brother ran away from her): “He always does that when I try to give him a hug.”
Me: “My brothers used to do that too when I tried to hug them!” (False. Never tried to hug them).
Kid: “You have brothers? How old are they?”
Me: “Well, they’re younger than me, so…”
Me all year: “As a tutor, I am so damn tired of being treated as if I’m a nanny, dog-walker, or housekeeper– aka, ‘The Help.’ I have an advanced degree and academic expertise. I am not the help.”
Me at Christmas: “NO TIP!? But you tipped all the other help!”
Kid: “Who are you voting for?”
Me: “Oh, um. You know what, I’m not entirely sure I should say. I’m not sure what your parents’ views are, and I don’t know if they’d want me to share mine with you.”
Kid: “Oh, my parents HATE Donald Trump.”
Kid: “Yeah. And since those tapes of him came out on the news, now we can’t even say the p-word in my house anymore! He ruined the p-word!”
Me: “Oh! Um, I’m sorry– WHAT?”
Kid: “Yeah even my grandpa can’t say the p-word anymore! And that’s all he ever talks about!”
Me: “Woah woah woah. What do you mean that’s all he ever talks about?”
Kid: “Yeah he always comes over and wants to talk about it and they’re like ‘you can’t say the p-word in this house!'”
Me: <silent, horrified stare>
Kid: “But if I whisper the p-word you won’t tell my parents, right?”
Me: “You know, I don’t think that’s the best ide–”
Kid (whispering): “Politics.”
But you can see why I panicked.
“No, no, no. Good ALWAYS beats evil. EVERY TIME! Don’t you ever read comic books?”
— Kid, age 7, on how he knows Trump will lose the election.
Just ran into a school parent while running in the park.
Parent: “So I heard a rumor you left the school? And classroom teaching completely?”
Me: “Yeah, the rumor is true.”
Parent: “Good for you! I knew you were done. Every time I saw you this year, I could just see it on your face.”
No I’m pretty sure that’s just my face.