Tag Archives: tutoring

Remind Me to Thank Your Dad

Finishing a math lesson with a 5 year old….

Me: “Any questions?”

Kid: “Yeah. When that baby comes out of your vagina, is it going to hurt?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Kid: “Babies come out of vaginas, you know. My dad told me when I asked him how your baby was going to get out of you. He said it would come out of your vagina.”

Me: “Well, remind me to thank your dad. But what I meant was, do you have any MATH questions.”

Kid: “Ummmm…let me think.”

Me: “We just did a whole lesson about how to tell time and read a calendar. Do you have questions about THAT?”

(long pause)

Kid: “Oh! Yes. How many days on the calendar…”

Me: “Ok, that’s better…”

Kid: “…until that baby comes out of your vagina?”

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I Still Think It Was Me

Working with a kid who never pays attention to anything I say, ever.

Me: “I noticed you are extremely focused today. I love it!”

Kid: “Yeah well I realized that you are really smart and have a lot to teach me, and I should really listen to you because you’re a great teacher.”

Me: “Really? So all this focus is because of ME? You just woke up and suddenly realized I’m great?!”

Kid: “Yeah. Is that so crazy? I’m going to listen from now on, because you helped me see that’s important.”

Me (tearing up): “Wow, I just never knew I could have that kind of influence on you. It just goes to show that having one positive role model can really change–

Kid: “Oh and I started taking Ritalin. So maybe that’s also it.”

 

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Ebola Mom, Part 79

(Part of the Ebola Mom series )

On Monday I sent an email to all my clients letting them know I am pregnant, and giving them a heads up about my planned maternity leave in the fall. Every single one of them responded with congratulations and well-wishes, except for Ebola Mom, who did not respond at all.

And just now I received this:

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I Shouldn’t Have Led With the Word “Exciting”

Yesterday I sent an email to my clients letting them know I am pregnant so that they can plan for my time off accordingly. One Mom responded, “That’s fantastic news! Please share with [kid] at her session today, she will be SOOOOOOO EXCITED!!!”

Me: “So…your mom wanted me to share some exciting news with you…”

Kid: ms-3icPaY

Me: “I’m going to have a baby!”

Kid: 976831909.gif

Me: “A little girl!”

Kid: tenor-1.gif

Me: “Not yet, though. Not until August.”

Kid: tenor.gif

Me: “Ok, well. Your mom thought you’d be excited…”

Kid: tumblr_o6bg12XR6r1vnghdeo1_500.gif

Fair enough.

This is Why I Teach Elementary School

I normally only tutor grades PreK-5, but I have one 7th grader who I’ve been with for years, and who is far too wise for her age.

Kid (watching me eat my standard pregnancy-nausea Saltines from a plastic baggie): “You’ve been snacking a lot during our sessions lately.”

Me: “Oh. Yes. I know. I’m sorry, I hope it’s not distracting. I just…I’m taking a vitamin and it makes me a little sick if I don’t eat.”

Kid (looking me up and down skeptically): “Mmmm hmmm.”

Me (closing my sweater self-consciously): “It’s true.”

Kid: “You look more tired, too. And last week you brought the wrong folder.”

Me: “It’s the vitamins. They make me tired. And forgetful. They have lots of side effects.”

Kid (rolling eyes): “Ok. Just remember– I’m 13. I know things. I watch a lot of TV.”

Me: “Ok, well, I’d appreciate if–”

Kid: “Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone.”

Me: “Thank you.”

Kid: “….that you’re smoking pot.”

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I Think I Handled This Just Fine

This kid is 4.

Kid: “What’s your husband’s name?”

Me: “Eric.”

Kid: “Oh, like PRINCE ERIC?”

Me: “Yes. That is what I call him. Prince Eric.”

Kid (excited, in one breath): “So you used to be a mermaid and sing songs on a rock and had a friend named Sebastian and also a friend Flounder and then you lost your voice so you could be a human and marry Eric and an evil octopus tried to stop you but then she didn’t and then you got your voice back and then you weren’t a mermaid anymore and you and Eric lived happily ever after because you’re the good guys and the good guys always live happily ever after?”

Me: “Woah, um, ok. So that’s not…”

Kid: hopeful.jpg

Me: “You know what? Yes. That is exactly what happened.”

Kid: “I KNEW it.”