Me: “So I’ve noticed since we switched to virtual tutoring, you’ve been takin EXTREMELY long bathroom breaks…”
Kid: “Sorry but I have to go!”
Me: “Ok, well, you used to go to the bathroom when I saw you in person, and you never took this long.”
Kid: “Yeah but that was before coronavirus. Now I have to wash my hands!”
(Part of, and likely the conclusion to, the Ebola Mom series)
Guys. THE JOKE WAS ON US THE WHOLE TIME.
I know some teachers who are so traumatized by their germ-infested classrooms during cold/flu season that they wash every single item of clothing they wear, every single time they wear it. Which is completely ridiculous.
I burn mine.
Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?”
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”
A few things:
1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom.
2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady.
3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)
4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.
5. Feel better, kiddo!
Me (while tutoring, trying to open kid’s magazine to the assigned homework article): “Hmmm…it seems these pages are stuck together.”
Kid: “Yeah. Probably a booger.”
Annnnd I’m out.