Me: “I just haven’t been feeling great for the past month. I’m exhausted and unmotivated and just want to hibernate.”
Therapist: “Wine or booze?”
Me: “Oh my god, yes! Please! Both!”
Therapist: “Excuse me?”
Therapist: “I said ‘winter blues?'”
Therapist: “What did you think I said?”
Just thought you were offering an ACTUAL CONCRETE SOLUTION FOR ONCE.
Me: “So, I’m already having a really hard time this winter. I think I’m mildly depressed. I might need to up my meds. And I know what you’re going to say– that I don’t look depressed. That I look energetic and healthy. But don’t be fooled. That’s just because I’m trying REALLY HARD not to look depressed.”
Therapist: “No, I actually think you do look depressed.”
Therapist: “You don’t look well. For you.”
Me: “I see.”
Therapist: “You look tired.”
Me: “Uh huh.”
Therapist: “Your eyes look a bit sunken in.”
Me: “So the makeup’s not working…”
Therapist: “There’s a grayness to you.”
Therapist: “And you’re slouching.”
Me: “I think that’s just a thing I do…”
Therapist: “And is that ranch dressing on your shirt?”
Me: “Ok enough.”
So much for trying hard.
“You know what I’ve found really helps? Getting dressed in the morning.”
— fellow work-from-homer, on how to combat winter blues.
Because sometimes, on the first day of winter, you need a list.
- Rob Kardashian
- I took a 10 minute pause here at #2 and stared blankly at the screen because I literally couldn’t think of anyone else. So I got up, retied my bathrobe, stretched what I’m pretty sure is the beginning of a weird-sleeping-position-induced torn rotator cuff, and took a brief walk from the living room to the other side of the living room (estimated distance 5 feet). I recognize this probably invalidates the entire concept of my list, but I’m sorry my work life is weirder than yours.
The dog on the 29th floor who shits in the stairwell (realized this list should be humans)
All characters on Shameless (realized this list should be real humans)
Michael Jackson (realized this list should be real humans who are still alive and who were not child molesters)
Bill Cosby (realized having it more together than a rapist isn’t great)
Paula Dean (same as above, swap rapist for racist. Also I think she’s pulled it together now, at least publicly. No? Ugh I don’t know, I haven’t thought about her in years, and I’m sure neither have you. I have no idea how she ended up on this list. You can see how desperate I’m getting.)
My night doorman who’s always asleep (No, you know what? Good for him.)
The dirty cat who lives in the corner store (I changed my mind about the “has to be a human” rule, then doubted my decision and changed my mind back again, because THAT’S WHAT LIVING IN MY HEAD IS LIKE. Also, even if I DID include non-humans, I’m not sure that cat could even make the list because, honestly, he does always look warm.)
- I give up.
This exercise really backfired.
Discussing possible strategies for dealing with my seasonal depression….
Therapist: “Maybe start with some small, achievable actions. For example, shave your legs– because I know you, and I know you haven’t shaved them since summer ended.”
Me: “But if I do that now, then what will I get Eric for our wedding day?”
Therapist (sighs): “The gift of knowing he is marrying someone who regularly shaves her legs?”
Me: “So…lies. You’re saying I should get him lies.”
Therapist: <head in hands >
I really need some reassurance here because I totally feel like the Grinch who stole childhood. But this was justified, right?
Background: kid across the hall constantly plays soccer in the hallway. Literally uses people’s apartment doors as goals. Now that the weather is getting colder, these indoor soccer sessions are increasing, and lasting for hours. No, I have no idea why he isn’t in school. He’s at least 11 years old.
So parents out there, it’s ok that I went and ruined this kid’s fun, correct? I’m not a mean old cranky neighbor lady, right? It was justified, don’t you think?*
*In case the leading questions didn’t make this obvious, I am seeking agreement responses only. This is not a situation where I am interested in diverse opinions. Solely looking to avoid guilt tears as I sit here typing common-sore aligned math problems beneath the glow of my therapy lamp.
“No. No. It’s too early for this.”
— my doorman, to Eric, pointing at me wearing my Canada Goose knee-length puffy coat, Uggs, ear warmers, and gloves.
I’m fucking cold.
“No, don’t kiss me there, I have zit cream on….or there, I just put vasaline on…no not there either, I just used icy hot.”
— Me, to Eric
Then I hid the ring so he couldn’t take it back.