Tag Archives: therapy

Like, REAL air?

That she is not in fact a robot will never cease to take me by surprise:

Me: “So yeah, sometimes all the ‘what ifs’ really paralyze me, in terms of all the bad things that could possibly happen to Nora.”

Therapist: “Of course. As parents, we will always feel that to a degree.”

Me: “Wait– YOU’RE a PARENT?”

Therapist: “Yes, to a 13-year-old daughter….”

Me: “You have a DAUGHTER?!”

Therapist: “…and a 9 year old daughter.”

Me: “You have TWO daughters??!!”

Therapist: “Yes, so I know that feeling….”

Me: “You have FEELINGS?”

Therapist: “…. of being so scared for your child, you forget how to breathe air.”

Me: “You BREATHE AIR?!”

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Not Postpartum Depression

Speaking with a new mom I met in our building, who has a son around Nora’s age, I mention that as much as I’m completely in love with my daughter, I’ve definitely had some bumps along the way in adjusting to motherhood.

Her: “Ugh, I’m so sorry you’ve had to deal with postpartum depression.”

Me: “Oh, you’re very sweet and I appreciate that so much, but I actually, very fortunately, have NOT had to deal with postpartum depression.”

Her: “Oh, my bad! I just thought from what you were saying…it sounded like a postpartum depression type thing.”

Me: “Oh, no. I actually was very nervous I’d have postpartum depression because I’m definitely at risk. But surprisingly I didn’t. What I’m talking about is just like normal parenthood transition stuff, you know?”

Her: url

Me: “Maybe you DON’T know…”

Her: “I don’t know, I guess I just haven’t found the transition difficult at all.  It’s really only brought me joy.”

Me: “Wow, that’s awesome. You’ve really never been totally overwhelmed? Or anxious about the huge responsibility of raising a human? Or even just like ‘AHHHH I miss my old life!?'”

Her: “Honestly, no. I love every second of it. Is that weird?”

Me: “I mean no, it’s amazing! Good for you.  ENJOY IT!”

You lying cunt.

 

 

Age 70

Therapist: “How has the motherhood balance been going?”

Me: “Actually much better lately. I’m definitely finding my groove. There’s still just like a constant underlying worry/anxiety, though.”

Therapist: “Right. But I think it’s fair to say that’s just what it is to be a parent.”

Me: “So the worrying never goes away?”

Therapist: “I’d say maybe around age 70.”

Me: “I have to wait until I’m 70?!”

Therapist: “No- until Nora is 70.”

Me: “But I’ll be dead.”

Therapist: “Exactly.”

So As You Can Tell, I’ve Been Listening

My therapist and I spend one full hour discussing motherhood, and my difficulty in finding balance in my life. We discuss strategies for coping with the mom-related anxiety. We talk about how to feel less overwhelmed by the huge responsibility of raising a child. We come up with a schedule that will allow me to spend quality time with Nora but still be able to do things for myself. We discuss the utter importance of carving out time to write, because writing provides immeasurable benefits to my mental health.

Therapist: “I’m glad we have a plan for you to find more balance. Motherhood can be hard, but you’re doing great. Now before the session ends, is there anything else going on that you think I should know about?”

Me: “Oh, yes– I stopped breastfeeding. So we’ll probably have to keep an eye on that, from a hormonal standpoint.”

Therapist: “Yes, definitely. And I think with stopping the breastfeeding, you’ll find you have a lot more time to do things for yourself, which will be wonderful.”

Me: “Totally.”

Therapist: “Is that why you decided to stop?”

Me: “Well, no, not exactly. It’s more that with all the crazy hormones that go along with breastfeeding, I really just wanted to get my body regulated again and back to baseline…”

Therapist: “I think that’s a great decision.”

Me: “…so we can have another kid.”

Therapist:game-of-thrones-dany-meme-1168366-1280x0.jpeg

 

Where DO They Go?

Me: “I think I’ve been a pretty reasonable parent so far. I just really want to avoid being the parent who cares TOO much– who hovers and obsesses and worries about every little thing her child does. But I definitely catch myself acting that way sometimes, so I fear I’m totally becoming that parent.”

Therapist: “You said you have a nanny part-time. Do you find it hard to relinquish control when the nanny comes to take care of Nora?”

Me: “Oh my god, NO. I count the seconds til she gets there and it’s an immediate hand off, as if we’re in a baton relay.”

Therapist: “Ok. And are Nora and the nanny always in sight when you’re home?”

Me: “What? No! The nanny immediately takes her out of the apartment.”

Therapist: “And where do they go?”

Me: “I have no idea.”

Therapist (10 second silence): “Yeah I don’t think you’re that parent who cares too much.”

Me: url

Therapist: “You might want to ask the nanny where they go.”

 

 

That IS Fair

My therapist and I discuss the experience of depressive episodes now that I’m a mom.

Me: “I’ve only experienced one depressive episode since having Nora, and luckily it was brief, but I’d say it was still miserable, just with a different twist. Like I always feel an immense amount of guilt when I’m depressed, but this time the guilt was mom-focused. I wasn’t able to really engage with Nora in the same way, and that made me feel like a terrible mother.”

Therapist: “When you say you couldn’t engage, what do you mean?”

Me: “Well like for example, she was just starting to roll over for the first time, and I couldn’t really connect with the experience in the way I wanted to. Like she was doing it and I was there witnessing it, but I just wasn’t…interested.”

Therapist: “Well, to be fair– that’s not interesting.”

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Waiting For Godot

Therapist: “So you haven’t really been blogging?”

Me: “No, not much since Nora was born.”

Therapist: “Well, it’s worth remembering that writing and blogging is your emotional and creative outlet. So that might explain why you’re feeling a bit stuck right now.”

Me: “Yeah. I know. I guess I’m just kind of waiting.”

Therapist: “Waiting for what?”

Me: “Like…waiting to feel like myself again. My normal self. Waiting to get my old groove back after having had a kid.”

Therapist: “I see….”

Me: url

(10 second silence)

Therapist: “That won’t happen until you die, you know.”

 

When You Die

Therapist: “I know you’re overwhelmed and it’s a lot of change. But having a kid is the absolute best lesson in learning how to let go of control. You’ve had many opportunities for this lesson in the past, and it’s always been scary at first but beneficial in the end.”

Me: “Right. Well, I guess with those lessons, there was always kind of an end point. I feel like this time there is no end. Like the second I become ok and comfortable with something, she’s going to change.”

Therapist: “Correct. The lesson is ongoing. It ends when you die.”

Me: url.jpg

Therapist: url.jpg

Me: img_7086-2

Therapist: “K so here’s your August invoice! See you next week!”