Tag Archives: marriage

Happy 4/9 Months!

Some people take the beautiful, romantic, meaningful notion of a wedding very seriously, and others spontaiously decide to get married early, months before the wedding, for wholly unromantic but practical reasons like needing health insurance, and have to promise their mothers they won’t tell the wedding guests they’re already legally husband and wife because it would “take away from the special feel of the weekend” if guests knew that they already got married by signing some papers over a casual brunch with two friends and an underwhelemed waiter at Felice 64 wine bar on January 21st, right before heading over to the Women’s March to protest Trump and his pussy-grabbing, which is just kind of sad and ridiculous and bizarre and totally in conflict with the fairy tale lovey dovey-ness that society deems should be a wedding.

Which is why we did it.

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Marriage

Sometimes marriage is amazing. img_8433

And then sometimes marriage is opening the kitchen trashcan and being hit in the face with a hot, steamy pile of  rancid ass-odor because your husband threw out an entire pot of right-off-the-stove broccoli, closed the lid, and left it there to fester, mix with and heat up the rest of the day’s trash.

So that’s where we are today.

In a pile of steaming broccoli-garbage.

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I’ll Keep That in Mind, Person With Zero Life Experience

Kid: “How old is your son?”

Me: “Huh? I don’t have a son.”

Kid: “Oh, then who is that kid on your phone’s lock screen?”

Me: “Ooooooh, that’s my nephew!”

Kid: “Oh. So you don’t have any kids?”

Me: “No.”

Kid: “But you just got married, right?”

Me: “Correct.”

Kid: “Then shouldn’t your lock screen be a picture of your husband?”

Me: “Is that a rule?”

Kid: “Well, I just think, like, it should be THE most important person to you. And that person should be your husband, if you don’t have kids. I’m just saying.”

Well aren’t we judgy at 9 years old.

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What I Am

Our building busybody (the same lady who commented inappropriately on my ring, and assumed that because I am a tutor, I am a dog walker) is at it again.

Busybody: “So, how’s married life? Have you changed your last name yet?”

Me: “It’s great! No, I haven’t. I’m not sure it’s necessary to legally change it.”

Busybody: “Oh my god really? I couldn’t WAIT to change my name.”

Me: “Ok. Well, to each her own! I mean I’ll informally use Eric’s last name, I’m happy for people to call me Emily Taylor, and to introduce myself that way. Just don’t see the need to go through a legal process. But we’ll see, maybe one day.”

Busybody: “His last name is Taylor? What’s yours?”

Me: “Lerman.”

Busybody: “Oh, honey. You should change it. Taylor is a great last name– then people won’t know what you are.”

Me (silent, confused pause): “You mean…a Jew?”

Busybody: “Yeah.”

Me: (blank stare)

Busybody: “Sometimes it’s just better, in certain circumstances, that people don’t know, you know?”

Me: “No.”

So now I’m keeping Lerman just to spite you.

Bitch.

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Puppy Update

A little while ago, I declared on social media that we were getting a puppy. I posted a picture of Nippie (below), our future dog’s mother, and announced that our pup would be arriving at Christmas. The internet went crazy (re: the photo got like 6 Facebook likes and 2 Wow! faces).

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Well, that is no longer happening.

The breeder told us that Nippie, a sassy little minx of a Swedish Vallhund (wtf is a Swedish Vallhund? We don’t exactly know, we just know it looks like a Corgi-wolf, which sounds like a mini version of a Direwolf, which sounds fucking awesome), would be the next dog in her batch to get preggo. The breeder had found a worthy match for Nippie (Vad, a show dog/cocky little son of a bitch), and, she assured us, the sparks would inevitably fly. 

Wrong.

Nippie has chosen not to take a lover this season.

Maybe she just wasn’t that into Vad. Maybe she prefers a more down-to-earth dude. Maybe she’s a lesbian. Maybe she just needs a little wine to get in the mood. Maybe she’s on anti depressants that sometimes totally kill her sex drive. Maybe I should stop talking about myself.

Anyway, it’s not happening.

Yet.

After Nippie decided she was too good for Vad’s lovin’, I then decided I was too much of a nuerotic, seasonal-affective hermit-weirdo to train a puppy in the winter. So we’re still getting a dog, but it’s not happening until the spring, and it might be a different breed than first announced.

Truth be told, were not even sure what we CAN get, because Eric is randomly allergic to every other kind of dog breed on Earth (and ALL cats, because cats are terrible creatures that shouldn’t exist). The only way he knows for sure is if he rubs his face vigourously into a dog’s coat, which, by the way, is exactly what happens every time he sees one on the streets of NYC. This has caused awkward moments with half the city’s pet-owners, but at least he has his method down to a science.

I make him shower 7 times a day.

The problem is that we have never actually met a Swedish Vallhund, we just hear they are “less sheddy” than corgis. But a corgi is all Eric really wants in life. The last time he rubbed his face on one (about a month ago, on the way to Mexican dinner, where he ordered fajitas and did not wash his hands), he had no allergic reaction.  But the idea of getting a dog that sheds its entire coat twice a year seems…unwise? Plus, do I really want to clean all that hair around the apartment? I don’t even clean MY hair!

That has not stopped Eric from sending me no less than 637 corgi Instagram videos a day.

So that’s where we are– wanting a puppy in the spring, but still not sure which kind or how exactly to go about it.

Suggestions welcome.

 

 

Family Planning

Therapist: “So, you and Eric are talking about starting a family soon?”

Me: “Well, I mean, yeah. Not right this moment, but soon. We’re married and we both want kids and I’m not getting any younger, so…”

Therapist: “Yes, you’ve said that. But what about right now makes you feel more ready than when we’ve talked about it in the past?”

Me (thinking): “Well….we came up with a hilarious way to announce it on Facebook.”

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Me: “Oh, is that not a sign of readiness?”

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Whatever, lady. Like anyone’s ready for this shit.