Tag Archives: family dynamics

Thank God

Discussing the (later proven to be false) Emergency Missile Alert experience my parents had during their trip to Hawaii…

Dad: “So they corralled our whole hotel into the ballroom, about 500 people.”

Eric: “Was everyone panicked?”

Dad: “Oh, yeah. People were on their phones, everyone was calling their children.”

Me: “Funny, I don’t remember getting a call.”

Dad: “Oh, please.”

Me: “I’m just saying…”

Dad: “I’ll tell you what I was worried about…”

Me: “Dying?”

Dad: “Our tee time. Kept checking my watch to make sure we weren’t going to miss it. Thank god we didn’t.”

Yes. Thank god.



A Tired, Dehydrated People

I recently had blood work done that showed low thyroid levels, so my doctor referred me to an endocrinologist.

Endocrinologist: “Your thyroid is inflamed and operating at about 60%. You’ve likely had chronic hypothyroidism your entire life, but sometimes stress can really bring it to the surface. It likely runs in your family. Is anyone in your family ‘high-energy?'”

Me: cracking-myself-up

Endocrinologist: “So no?”

Me: “To quote my brother-in-law– ‘The Lermans are a tired, dehydrated people.'”

Endocrinologist: “You said you have 3 siblings. All low energy?”

Me: “My sister has one setting and it’s this: img_2021-6. Jeremy is essentially a bear living in eternal winter. There are times on family vacation, during his 3rd or 4th nap of the day, when I have actually leaned over and checked his pulse. Zack has spurts of energetic enthusiasm when motivated, but then needs a 16 hour slumber to recover from his efforts. He also….like….talks…..like…..this…..”

Endocrinologist: “And your parents?”

Me: “My mother moves at the pace of a snail on Valium and has the voice of a soft bird. If you’re not sitting DIRECTLY next to her, or better yet, on her lap, forget about being able to hear or understand a word she whisper-mumbles. That being said, she IS active, like socially and activity-wise. It’s just, like, a slow-motion active.”

Endocrinologist: “And your Dad?”

Me: “Can’t sit still. The one exception.”

Endocrinologist: “Your husband?”

Me: “Like a corgi puppy lapping up a dish of Red Bull. Is that even important?”

Endocrinologist: “No I’m just enjoying your descriptions. None of this matters. Your thyroid’s broken, here are some pills.”




Family Communication, Part 5

(loosely related to other Family Communication posts, all with the running theme that this family barely qualifies as a family.)

There was a faint rumor (aka, Steph mentioned it once) weeks ago that Mom and Dad were going to come to NY next weekend for Dad’s birthday, and the whole family was going to go to dinner. Naturally, no one has heard anything since. So I decided (like a fucking Lerman Family amateur) to check in with the siblings and see if anyone had information…



As usual, no one knows a goddamn thing.

So I decided to go to the source, and brought Mom and Dad into the conversation.

Which just goes to show that in 35 years being a member of this family, I have learned zero things.


9 years later…..


P.S. Steph literally did nothing.