Category Archives: Uncategorized

I’m No Expert But Probably Never

“When will my boobs grow big?”

— Kid, in the middle of our lesson, out of NOWHERE.

He’s a boy.

Advertisements

That IS Fair

My therapist and I discuss the experience of depressive episodes now that I’m a mom.

Me: “I’ve only experienced one depressive episode since having Nora, and luckily it was brief, but I’d say it was still miserable, just with a different twist. Like I always feel an immense amount of guilt when I’m depressed, but this time the guilt was mom-focused. I wasn’t able to really engage with Nora in the same way, and that made me feel like a terrible mother.”

Therapist: “When you say you couldn’t engage, what do you mean?”

Me: “Well like for example, she was just starting to roll over for the first time, and I couldn’t really connect with the experience in the way I wanted to. Like she was doing it and I was there witnessing it, but I just wasn’t…interested.”

Therapist: “Well, to be fair– that’s not interesting.”

Thinking_Face_Emoji

 

Glad We Cleared That Up

(Walking past a restaurant in our neighborhood)

Eric: “I took you on a date here.”

Me: “Yes. Our 3rd date. We ate a big plate of cheese.”

Eric: “Right.”

Me: “And we sat outside and some guy you kind of knew walked by and you actually stopped him to say hello and chat and I was like ‘Oh man, this guy is WAY too friendly for me, this will never work.'”

Eric (somewhat offended): “So you were going to rule me out because I was friendly?!”

Me: “No, I wasn’t going to rule you out! I thought you’d rule ME out– I thought, like, ‘Oh, this guy is way friendlier than I am. He’s going to think I’m a total bitch.'”

Eric: “Oh.”

(Silence)

Eric: “Yeah. I did.”

img_1179-1

As Usual, I’m Making New Friends Left and Right

We just moved to a new apartment building last week, and I kid you not, Eric already knows the name of every person who works here, from the 7 different doormen to the maintenance crew to the service entrance security guards. He passes them in the lobby and with a huge, happy-to-know-ya smile, says, “Hey, how’s it goin [insert worker’s first name here, because I sure as shit don’t know it]!”, as he is already everyone’s best friend and probably in some form of fantasy sports league with them, as he was with the doormen in our last building.

Me? I’ve interacted with one person. Unwillingly.

It happened in the gym this morning.

Me: <“exercising,” headphones on OBVIOUSLY, and generally minding my own business>

Guy: “Wow, look at you! You’re ready to pop!”

Me: “Well, not quite yet, but yes, end of August…”

Guy: “And you’re allowed to exercise? That doesn’t seem safe! You’re sure that’s safe?”

Me: “I’m on a back-supported bike made for seniors, cycling at level 1. I think I’ll be ok!”

Guy: “I don’t know, you’re making me nervous…”

Me: “Well, you’re making me uncomfortable, so I guess we’re even.”

Guy: < Silent. Shits self. >

So it’s safe to say Eric and I have comparable social skills.

The unfortunate thing is that I know the guy meant no harm, and yeah, dude, OF COURSE I’m making you nervous. You think this situation doesn’t make ME nervous every time I look in the mirror?!

IMG_0476.jpeg

The fact that I am not straight up face-planting every time I stand is truly defying the laws of physics (I assume. Can’t actually quote any laws of physics.)

But sorry, man, I’m in the home stretch here and the hormones win. Between my rapidly expanding frontal load and a preexisting discomfort with strangers talking to/looking at/being near me, I’m in no mood. If my rascal pouch makes you nervous, that’s fine, but keep it to your damn self.

So yeah I’d say we have about one year in this building before I make so many enemies that it’s simply too uncomfortable to stay. Took me about two years in the old place, but pregnancy is going to speed up this timeline a bit.

But that’s perfectly fine– since college, I’ve established a pattern of living in a place only JUST long enough to serve my needs and then moving out right before EVERYONE writes me off as the unfriendly, awkward weirdo-tenant, and it’s totally worked out for me so far.

Meanwhile, as I type this, Eric is enthusiastically shaking hands and exchanging “good-to-meet-ya!” pleasantries with yet another building occupant.

A corgi.

f9cb963015796a316ad72546a89fa6e9.gif

Shit. We can never move.