Category Archives: parenthood

REALLY Good Reason

A random mom at the kiddie gym sees that Nora is using a pacifier in the stroller.

Random Mom: “I just started weaning my kid off his pacifier. It’s been brutal.”

Me: “Yes– we’ve been weaning her off too! It’s so hard. She whines the entire time she’s in the stroller, but I try to ignore it. Now I only give her the pacifier if there’s a REALLY good reason to.”

Random Mom: “So what’s today’s reason?”

Me: “I just can’t.”

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Not Avoiding My Kid

Yesterday, around 5:50pm, I’m sitting on the couch in my apartment lobby, on my phone:

Doorman: “Let me guess– your nanny gets off at 6?”

Me: “Excuse me?”

Doorman: “I’ve noticed you usually get home around 5:30 and then sit on the lobby couch until about 5:58.”

Me (laughing): “Ok, I know what you’re implying– but I’m not avoiding my kid! It’s just that I have work emails to send, and I’m better off doing it now rather than trying to do it in the apartment. Too many distractions. Nothing ever gets done.”

Doorman: “I see.”

Me: “It’s actually annoying to have to send all these emails, because honestly I just want to go up there right away and squeeze her.”

Doorman: “Well, don’t let me interrupt. Get back to that email.”

Me: “Thank you.”

My phone screen:

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You Might Be Waiting a While

A woman at the playground is doing her best at disciplining, but is clearly struggling…

Woman: “Now, Sophie, I’m going to ask you again– was that a smart strategy?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “We’ve talked about this before. And what did I tell you?”
Sophie: (blank stare)
Woman: “Come on, I know you remember. What did I tell you about making smart choices?”
Sophie: (looks away)
Woman: “Sophie! I’m talking to you. And we’re not going anywhere until you answer me.”
Me: “Um, sorry– I don’t mean to intrude but I don’t think she’s going to answer….”
Woman: “Oh trust me, she will. She’s just thinking about her actions. When she’s ready, she’ll respond. Right Sophie?”
Sophie: (looks at ground)
Me: “Ok…I guess what do I know? Good luck!”
Woman: “Thank you. Now, Sophie– I’m still waiting. What did we talk about yesterday? What would be a smarter strategy than the one you chose?”

Sophie is a dog.

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Listen It’s a Catchy Tune Ok

Ran into our right-across-the-hall neighbor, who works from home and has two kids…

Neighbor: “Sounds like you guys are really in the throes of Elmo-obsession!”
Me: “Oh god, yes! Can you hear the TV in the morning? I’m so sorry!”
Neighbor: “No, no. Never heard the TV. But every single day, like clockwork, between noon and 1, I hear you singing ‘Elmo’s Song’ over and over. I totally remember that phase when my kids made me sing that crap on repeat.”
Me: “Oh my god I know. It’s the WORST.”

Our nanny comes every day at noon and takes Nora to the playroom.

Noon to 1 is my alone time in the apartment.

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Like a Tiny Well-Mannered Adult

A bunch of kids are gathered around the chalkboard at the kiddie gym, almost all of them with a snack:

Random Mom (to me): “How do you get your kid to eat so nicely and calmly? She’s like a tiny well-mannered adult!”

Me: “Oh, that’s nice of you to say! Um, I don’t know, I guess I just got lucky?”

Random Mom: “I just can’t believe she’s able to eat those blackberries without making ANY mess on her face.”

Me: “Oh. That’s actually not my kid…”

Random Mom: “Oh! Which one’s yours again? The kid with the cheerios in her hand?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom: “Her? With the cheerios in the cup?”

Me: “No…”

Random Mom (sees no other choice): “With the cheerios stuck to her neck?”

Me: “Yes.”

(10 second silence)

Random Mom: “Are those even her cheerios?”

Me: “Nope.”

Random: “They’re in her hair too…”

Me: “I see that.”

Random: “How’d she even get them?”

Me: “Hard to say…”

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Him

Nora is playing with another little girl in the kiddie gym. The supervisor of open playtime watches them for a bit and then turns to me.

Supervisor: “How old is he?”

Me: “She. She’s 13 months.”

Supervisor: “No no” (points at other little girl) “Not her.”

Me: “Right, I kno–”

Supervisor: (Points at Nora) “HIM.”

Yellow!

At the kiddie gym, Nora is playing at the chalk board with another boy.

Nora (picks up yellow piece of chalk, shows it to boy): “It’s yellow!”

Boy’s Mom: “Oh my god, she knows her colors?! That’s amazing!”

Me: “Yeah I know it’s crazy.”

Boy’s Mom: “She’s a genius!”

Me: “Haha I like to think so!”

Nora: (picks up pink chalk): “It’s yellow!”

Nora: (picks up green chalk) “It’s yellow!”

Nora: (picks up blue chalk) “It’s yellow!”

Me: “Haha ok maybe she doesn’t know ALL the colors….”

Nora: (picks up bug off the floor) “It’s yellow!”

Me: “No no Nora that’s a bu—”

Nora: (eats bug)

Me: “Nora, no!”

Nora (mouth full of bug): “It’s yellow!”

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Boy’s Mom: <Picks up kid. Leaves.>