Tag Archives: relationships

Close Your Mouth

I’m an open-mouthed sleeper, which often results in chapped lips.

You know, from drool.

(Someone married me!)

To remedy this problem, I have asked Eric to please close my mouth for me while I sleep. As any husband would do for his wife.

Me, this morning, upon noticing my lips are chapped: “Ugh, this is all your fault– you didn’t close my mouth in my sleep!”

Eric: “I prefer to close your mouth when you’re awake.”

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The Difference Between Me and Eric

Eric: “The woman breeding our future puppy was so nice when I spoke to her on the phone, and she really just breeds for the love of it– in fact, once the dog is ours she wants us to keep her updated on how he’s doing, because she cares that much about each of her pups, she just likes to know what they’re up to. How nice is that?”

Me: “You mean we have to keep talking to her?”

This is Why I’m So Tired All the Time

Me: “Ok, so I thought about it and it turns out I don’t actually have to feel guilty that I’m going to the Outer Banks a couple days before you. I mean I still do feel guilty, but I don’t actually have to.”

Eric: “Huh? Why would you feel guilty?”

Me: “Because I’m leaving you here alone to go have fun! But then I thought, if we add up all the hours you were at Phish without me, then really, we’re even on the ‘I’m doing my favorite thing without you’ scale. So, see, I don’t really technically have to feel guilty.”

Eric: (silent bafflement)

Me: “What?”

Eric: “That can’t possibly be how your brain works.”

Oh, but it is.

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Etiquette

Given the tagline of this blog, or what anyone can decipher from reading no less than three random posts, etiquette is not really my thing. I just don’t know the rules, and somehow I’ve reached age 35 without developing any kind of learned or innate sense for them. So help me out here.

Eric and I received a card from people who attended our wedding. We are prettttttty sure, given the wording of the card, and given who these people are, that they meant to include a check, but forgot.

Now, to be clear, it’s not that we’re so concerned with getting a gift, we just think these people would want to know if they forgot to send it. Right?

Also we want our fucking gift.

No no jk. Seriously, it’s the first reason I said.

So what’s the next step here? We considered calling them and being like, “Hey, cool card! I think the money fell out!” but there’s still that 5% chance they purposely chose to not give a gift.

Here are some ideas we’ve come up with:

  1. Write them a thank you card for their card.
  2. Split Uber fares with them until we’ve totaled the amount we’re pretty sure they would’ve given us.
  3. Have another wedding and let them try again.
  4. Instead of posting this post, “accidentally” email it to them.
  5. If doing #4, erase #4. And #5.
  6. Buy a corgi, send a thank you card for said corgi, include receipt for corgi, along with this emoji img_3482. When they call us to be like “Um, we didn’t buy you a corgi,” be like “You didn’t? The corgi guy said it was from you! Sorry, what DID you get us?” and when they’re like, “We sent a check,” we’ll be like, “Ohhh, funny thing, we actually got a card from you and there was no check in it!” and then we all laugh and they re-send a check and we pay for the corgi ourselves.
  7. Do #6, but if instead of saying “We sent a check” they say “We gave you a card,” say “WELL NOW YOU GOT US A CORGI TOO, MOTHERFUCKERS!” and hang up. Laugh maniacally. Stroke corgi.
  8. Post this post, have everyone who sent us a card wonder if they are the subjects of it. Field many texts.

Please Hold While I Get Your Medal

Eric: “So I was just with an older woman in the laundry room and she sees me putting clothes in the dryer and she’s like ‘What is this– a man doing the laundry? Really?’ And I was like ‘Yeah, of course!’ and she’s like ‘Really? Wow. Your wife doesn’t do the laundry?’ and I was like ‘Well, my wife and I split the chore 50/50– she does all the folding, so I do the washing and drying part’ and the woman was like ‘Oh my goodness, your wife is SO lucky!'”

Me, throughout this entire story: img_1179-5

Honesty Is the Best Policy

Guy friend (who is single): “Sooo…I know what you’ve been saying to your single girlfriends about me.”

Me: “Ok, fine. I figured it’d get back to you. But look. It’s nothing I wouldn’t say to your face. I absolutely adore you, you know that. I think you’re awesome. But at no point in knowing you have I seen any evidence that you want a real relationship. So yeah, I told my single girlfriends that– that I wouldn’t want to proactively set you up with them. Because I just don’t trust that you WANT a girlfriend. And you know what? I’m sorry, but it’s the truth. And it’s not a bad thing, it’s just the facts based on what–”

Guy friend: “Oh my god, stop talking. I was joking. I haven’t heard anything. ”

Oh.

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This is What Happens When You Let Me into a VIP Lounge at Phish

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Me (drunk, staring at donut wall, turning to random older man next to me): “So which donut should we eat?”

Random man: “Definitely the cinnamon.”

Me: “That’s what I was thinking!” (grab donut, stuff my face, continue talking with mouth full) “So what’s YOUR connection to Phish?”

Random man: “Trey is my son.”

Me: “Oh! Wait, what? Really? No WAY! Are you, like, SO proud?”

Eric:  face-palm_1f926.png