(loosely related to other Family Communication posts, all with the running theme that this family barely qualifies as a family.)
There was a faint rumor (aka, Steph mentioned it once) weeks ago that Mom and Dad were going to come to NY next weekend for Dad’s birthday, and the whole family was going to go to dinner. Naturally, no one has heard anything since. So I decided (like a fucking Lerman Family amateur) to check in with the siblings and see if anyone had information…
As usual, no one knows a goddamn thing.
So I decided to go to the source, and brought Mom and Dad into the conversation.
Which just goes to show that in 35 years being a member of this family, I have learned zero things.
I gave a speech at a friend’s rehearsal dinner last weekend and someone came up to me after and said, “You are an extremely eloquent speaker.” And it got me thinking, you know what, yeah, person I don’t know at all but who is now my new best friend, when it comes to verbal communication, I am extremely eloquent!
….as long as I have an entire 16-size-font, double spaced script in front of me (rehearsed for a minimum of three weeks and approved by no less than five trusted individuals), have at least one glass of wine but no more than three in my system, I am not interrupted once, it’s neither too hot nor too cold in the room, there are zero weird noises, no one looks at me funny, I’m not hungry, the lighting is friendly, I am feeling good about my outfit, my acne is under control, I’m not PMSing, and I remembered to take my Prozac.
The text below refers to the following voicemail (to listen, hit play on the black audio bar) I left for my brother Jeremy on his birthday. I think it is a pitch-perfect, stunning example of why I don’t– and never should– make voice calls.