I attend a weekly music class with Nora that is legitimately awesome, as we live in New York City, so every person leading a kiddie music class is actually a Broadway star in the making, and their talent blows me away every time. I seriously feel like I get a small personal concert every Thursday morning. Today I was particularly excited because I knew the songs would be holiday themed.
When we arrived, the lead singer greeted us…
Singer (whispering aside): “I know you guys are Jewish. Don’t worry, this is all non-denominational. Just winter songs. We really try to be sensitive to all religions.”
Me: “Wow, that’s very considerate but REALLY not necessary!”
Singer: “No, it’s necessary. It’s the respectful thing to do.”
Me: “Aw, you guys are SO SWEET!”
If you don’t sing “All I Want For Christmas” I will legit murder everyone here.
One paragraph for Steph/Andrew, one paragraph for me/Eric.
The boys share a sentence.
Me: “So today we are going to read this biography about Barack Obama.”
Kid: “Oh! That’s my Dad’s Christmas dinner guest!”
Kid: “So every year everyone in my family decides who we would invite to our Christmas dinner that year, if we could invite anyone in the world. My dad chose Barack Obama.”
Me: “Oh, I love that! And who did YOU choose?”
Kid: “Taylor Swift.”
Me: “Also a good one. And your Mom?”
Kid: “She chose ‘any black female voter from Alabama.'”
Kid: “Yeah I didn’t really get it.”
Me: “Did you do your homework?”
Kid: “No, I didn’t have time. With Christmas and all.”
Me: “Christmas is still 2 weeks away.”
Kid: “I know, but like. There’s a LOT that goes into Christmas, you know? There’s a lot of stuff that leads up to it. It’s not just like you’re busy on that ONE day.”
Me: “I guess…”
(15 minutes later)
Me: “So what IS your family doing for Christmas?”
Kid: “Oh, my family? Nothing. We’re Jewish.”
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
She got so close to being normal and then she blew it.
…and “Happy Chanukah?” No? Too much effort? K cool.
I’ll take the “I apologize” Christmas miracle and run with it.
Me all year: “As a tutor, I am so damn tired of being treated as if I’m a nanny, dog-walker, or housekeeper– aka, ‘The Help.’ I have an advanced degree and academic expertise. I am not the help.”
Me at Christmas: “NO TIP!? But you tipped all the other help!”
Mom: “Well, we never took an official family photo this year so I guess we aren’t going to send a holiday card, which means I’m not going to write the annual family newsletter.”
Me: “WHAT?! ARE YOU KIDDING ME? Oh, this is SO classic. Every year I don’t want you to write the letter because nothing new is ever happening in MY life. I sound so boring every time. It’s always ‘Zack got a new job! Zack moved to New York! Steph got married! Steph had a baby! Jeremy….’ well, whatever. You get what I’m saying. And then the year I get engaged you’re NOT GOING TO WRITE A NEWSLETTER? When I FINALLY have some news?! This is so unfair and so not surprising at all.”
Mom: “I was kidding. Of course I’m writing a letter.”
Yeah I know I was kidding too.
A pair of gloves, earmuffs, 2 pair of leather boots, new Uggs, and a scarf.
— My Cyber Monday gift to myself for not losing my shit over politics on Thanksgiving weekend.*
*Shit talked behind family members’ backs not included.
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
And thus marks the first and last time I attempt to joke with Ebola Mom.