About to play a math game…
Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( . crosses arms. pouts.)
We’re so fucked.
I’m not gonna lie, I almost miss this.
Kid: “Wow! You’re the smartest adult I know!”
Me: “How many adults do you know?”
Kid: “Like, 2.”
Just now on the street…
“Dayuuuuuum Miss Emily! I knew you was young when you was my teacher, but you look even more young now. What you, like, 21? Look like you aging backward!”
— Former Kindergarten student, now a completely inappropriate 14-year-old punk with terrible grammar.
And my new favorite person.
Excerpt from an email I received from a former student:
My drafted response:
(Continuation of Ebola Mom Part 61 and part of the Ebola Mom series)
She found an interpreter!
(Part of the Ebola Mom series)
Eric: “What happened last night? You woke up SCREAMING in the middle of the night, it was crazy.”
Emily: “I know, sorry. I was having this really horrible nightmare.”
Eric: “What happened?”
Emily: “I was in a classroom trying to get everyone to be quiet and no one was listening, and no matter what I did, the kids kept misbehaving, and totally ignoring me like I didn’t even exist, so finally I mustered all my strength and just yelled as loud as I could.”
So basically my “really horrible nightmare” was my regular life every day for 9 years.
Kid: “My parents are not voting for Trump. They think he’s a dick…”
Me: “Woah woah woah! Ok, I can’t let you use language like that with me, even if your parents let you.”
Kid (shrugging): “Ok. It’s really not a big deal. It’s not even a bad word.”
Me (having a sudden realization): “Ohhhh, I cut you off. You were going to say dictator!”
Kid: <laughs, returns to his math worksheet>
(20 seconds later)
Kid: “No. I was just saying ‘dick.'”
Me: (after listing all the ingredients I’d like in my salad) “And then I’ll also have some avocado, chopped up in the salad please.”
Guy: “Do you want just the avocado chopped, or the whole salad chopped?”
Me: “The whole salad. With the avocado in it.”
Guy: (blank stare)
Me: “Like…put the avocado in first, then chop the whole salad up. Together. With the avocado in it.”
Guy: “Ahhhh got it, got it, got it.
(I walk away to pick up some protein bars, then return)
Guy: “Here ya go– one salad, chopped up with avocado!”
This is literally why I quit teaching.