On the phone with my mom…
Mom: “So I guess Dad and I are never getting our car back, huh?”
Me: “Ummm, incorrect. I sent Dad an entire email detailing how Zack is going to drive it back to Maryland next weekend.”
Mom: “Oh, Dad didn’t tell me.”
Mom: “Well, next time you email information like that, just include me on it, because Dad doesn’t tell me anything.”
Mom: “Actually, you know. There’s a secret way you can include me on the email, so he can’t even see.”
Me: “There IS?!?!?”
Mom: “Yes it’s called a blind copy.”
Dear Apple Inc.,
Your iPhone product sucks. 50% of the time I go to use the Touch ID login, it doesn’t work. WTF? I thought you guys were supposed to be some kind of wizard geniuses.
Our data suggests that 95% of the time your Touch ID fails, it is due to the exorbitant amount of egg salad on your thumb. This egg salad obstruction impedes the device from accurately scanning your print. We are certain that if you learn to eat like a human, this will no longer be a problem.
Dear Apple Inc.,
Forks are for losers and a true lady eats her cold deli salads with a potato chip utensil, but I suppose I see your point re: the obstruction. I still think the technology should be sophisticated enough to scan through food or any other thick layer of grime that might be on my hand at any given moment.
You need more help than we here at Apple Inc. are qualified to provide.
Good luck in life,
About to play a math game…
Kid: “Can we use the dice app on your phone again?”
Me: “No, we only did that last time because I forgot the dice. But now I have them, so we can roll them ourselves.”
Kid (sigh): “But it’s so much easier to just touch your phone screen.”
Me: “But it’s so much nicer and more interesting to be a human who does old-timey human things, like hold real dice in your hand, and then extend your arm ever so slightly to roll them on the real, live floor. Plus they make a sound and everything!”
Kid: ( . crosses arms. pouts.)
We’re so fucked.
There is an old cantankerous man who lives in our building, and every time he walks into the elevator and sees me on my phone (which is always), he makes a snide comment about it. Normally I just smile awkwardly and sort of ignore, but today I decided to defend myself.
Old man: “Those things are ruining people. Nobody talks to each other anymore.”
Me: “Yes, you always say that to me.”
Old man: “Well, it’s true. How’s anyone supposed to meet if they’re always looking at their phone?”
Me: “Actually, I met my husband on my phone.”
Old man: “You mean you were talking on the phone when you met him?”
Me: “No, I literally found him BECAUSE OF my phone. I was in an elevator like this one, and instead of talking to people around me, I was scrolling through a dating app. I came across his profile, read it, and I liked it, so I connected with him and we started talking.”
Old man: “I see…”
Me: “Right, so, if I hadn’t been looking at my phone, if I had been talking to people around me instead, as you always say I should be doing, then I wouldn’t have found my husband.”
Old man (long pause): “Well, young lady, I guess that’s a good point.”
Me (smiling, resisting the urge to literally pat myself on the back): “Thank you.”
(We both step out of the elevator and into the lobby)
Doorman: “Hey there, Eddie!”
Old man: “The whole world’s gone to shit. This girl met her husband INSIDE A PHONE! Like a ROBOT!”
Me (to Eric, once he arrives in the Outer Banks): “Thank god you’re here. I can’t figure out how to turn the TV off. It’s been on for 3 days, I’ve just been muting it at night. The ‘power’ button and ‘on’ button do nothing.”
Eric (glancing at remote for less than one second): “Please tell me you tried the ‘off’ button.”
This is why I had to get married.
“But why didn’t he just make a Facebook album?”
— Kid, age 7
That moment during a tutoring session when you ask the kid a math question, and Alexa answers for him.
Andrew, 100% serious: “Guys– is it pronounced ‘meh-meh’ or ‘may-may’?”