Tag Archives: things adults do

Tech Support

Dear Apple Inc.,

Your iPhone product sucks. 50% of the time I go to use the Touch ID login, it doesn’t work. WTF? I thought you guys were supposed to be some kind of wizard geniuses.



Dear Emily,

Our data suggests that 95% of the time your Touch ID fails, it is due to the exorbitant amount of egg salad on your thumb. This egg salad obstruction impedes the device from accurately scanning your print. We are certain that if you learn to eat like a human, this will no longer be a problem.


Apple Inc.


Dear Apple Inc.,

Forks are for losers and a true lady eats her cold deli salads with a potato chip utensil, but I suppose I see your point re: the obstruction. I still think the technology should be sophisticated enough to scan through food or any other thick layer of grime that might be on my hand at any given moment.



Dear Emily,

You need more help than we here at Apple Inc. are qualified to provide.

Good luck in life,

Apple Inc.



I was only supposed to be in Florida through this morning, but because of a flight cancellation, my trip is now extended through tomorrow. My gracious hosts weren’t planning on having me here for today, and they¬†had to go into work. They were VERY concerned about what I was going to do for lunch, which was sweet, but come on guys, I’m 32 years old, I’m pretty sure I know how to fix myself a meal.


To be clear, the apple is decorative.

No One Ever Taught Me How to Prepare For a Disaster

Just now, at the wine store….

Cashier (who is clearly my best friend): “Ah, there you are, Emily! I was wondering when you’d be coming by to stock up for the blizzard!”
Me: “Hah, I got here as soon as I could– had to hit the grocery store first!”
Cashier (eyeing my huge grocery bag): “You get some crackers? Bread? Chips?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “Canned goods?”
Me: “Oh. No. Didn’t think of that.”
Cashier: “Bottles of water? Batteries?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “So what IS in that bag?”
Me: “Sixteen rolls of toilet paper. And a wedge of brie.”



This Is All Andy Samberg’s Fault

That moment when you wish you had done laundry instead of watching 7 episodes of Brooklyn 99 on DVR last night, because now all you have left are these two socks.


So you put them on and hope that none of your 3 tutoring clients this afternoon insist that you take off your boots before entering their apartment, which is a weird thing to hope because all 3 of them ALWAYS DO.

Damnit, Andy Samberg. Why must you be so addictively and Jewily handsome?