Tag Archives: living alone

No One Ever Taught Me How to Prepare For a Disaster

Just now, at the wine store….

Cashier (who is clearly my best friend): “Ah, there you are, Emily! I was wondering when you’d be coming by to stock up for the blizzard!”
Me: “Hah, I got here as soon as I could– had to hit the grocery store first!”
Cashier (eyeing my huge grocery bag): “You get some crackers? Bread? Chips?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “Canned goods?”
Me: “Oh. No. Didn’t think of that.”
Cashier: “Bottles of water? Batteries?”
Me: “No…”
Cashier: “So what IS in that bag?”
Me: “Sixteen rolls of toilet paper. And a wedge of brie.”

#ThingsJewsNeed

IMG_1444

Soy Sauce or Sharpie?

When your day begins with the question “Is this soy sauce or Sharpie?” while staring at a stain on your shower towel, it’s time to reevaluate your entire existence.

Because honestly, neither answer is reassuring, and both answers represent a situation that never should have occurred while wearing a bath towel.

Consequently, I have been shamed into learning an important lesson this morning.

I should do everything naked.

Thought Spiral

I woke up with my iPhone charger wrapped around my neck, and I couldn’t help but think that would be a fitting and poetic way to die.

Then I worried that that was a weird and not-normal thing to immediately think. But I was still strangely proud of myself for finding the cool factor in what could have been my accidental and untimely demise.

Then I really thought about this untimely demise. Like, the logistics of it. I’m off work until Monday, and had I died in my sleep last night, it’s conceivable that it would have taken 5 days for my body to be found. In my underwear.

Then I thought it might be worth it to have a roommate again, just so I can die with some dignity.

Then I thought about how much I love living alone, and would I even be CAPABLE of living with a roommate again?

Then I thought about how that’s what marriage is– a LIFELONG roommate.

Then I reevaluated my plan to one day get married. Lifelong is REALLY long, guys.

Unless, of course, you accidentally die young in your sleep, wrapped in your iPhone cord.

And that’s where the thought spiral came full circle, and I was able to get out of bed and start my day.

So what I’m trying to say is, so far in 2015, my anxiety disorder is totally under control.

eliasj0036c