Eric (excitedly): “Oh! At work we’re getting a bunch of TMZ-brand accessories for the iPhone. I’m going to get you one of the metro card holders so you can try it.”
Me (monotone): “Cool. A TMZ logo on my phone. Exactly what I’ve always wanted.”
Eric (excitedly): “Oh! I also got you something else!”
Eric: “A new attitude.”
Eric: “So maybe you can try that too.”
Me: “When Columbus landed in what is now America, and he wanted to tell people back home what he found, what do you think he did?”
Me: “Well…Do you think he whipped out his iPhone and said ‘Siri– call home!’?”
Kid: (giggling) “Noooo!!!”
Me: “Well then what did he do?”
Kid (long, contemplative pause): “He probably used his flip phone.”
I solemnly swear that there is no circumstance in which I have ever meant, or will ever mean, “duck” or “ducking.”
So stop it. You are being the opposite of helpful. In fact, go ahead and eliminate those two words from your lexicon entirely.
I realize that there might be a day when I regret this request, such as when I am caught in an air missile strike or am being pecked to death by pond wildlife, but that’s a risk I am willing to take.
Besides, fuck and fucking will work just fine in both those situations.