She found an interpreter!
Eric (excitedly): “Oh! At work we’re getting a bunch of TMZ-brand accessories for the iPhone. I’m going to get you one of the metro card holders so you can try it.”
Me (monotone): “Cool. A TMZ logo on my phone. Exactly what I’ve always wanted.”
Eric (excitedly): “Oh! I also got you something else!”
Eric: “A new attitude.”
Eric: “So maybe you can try that too.”
Kid: “No. My cat Muffin hardly bothers me at all!”
Me: “Oh. Well I just assumed there must be wild animals around, because why else would your sheet look like this?”
Kid: “I don’t know. It definitely wasn’t Muffin. He’s a good cat.”
I’m too old and tired for new friends. If I don’t know you, and I have to put even a modicum of effort into hitting it off with you, it’s simply not going to work.
So the new rule is this: if you’re a new person, you have 2 chances with my sense of humor. If you don’t get my sarcasm/I have to explain that I’m kidding more than twice, you’re out. I’m sorry. I’m just too exhausted.
But if I met you at any point before college graduation, you can still be one of those people who never gets it or knows when I’m fucking with you, and I’ll still love you, because, quite simply, you have put in your time. And you’re probably exhausted too.
So we’re good, Mom.
The best thing about being a sarcastic person is that people always know when I’m joking and no one ever gets offended.