Tag Archives: apple

Tech Support

Dear Apple Inc.,

Your iPhone product sucks. 50% of the time I go to use the Touch ID login, it doesn’t work. WTF? I thought you guys were supposed to be some kind of wizard geniuses.



Dear Emily,

Our data suggests that 95% of the time your Touch ID fails, it is due to the exorbitant amount of egg salad on your thumb. This egg salad obstruction impedes the device from accurately scanning your print. We are certain that if you learn to eat like a human, this will no longer be a problem.


Apple Inc.


Dear Apple Inc.,

Forks are for losers and a true lady eats her cold deli salads with a potato chip utensil, but I suppose I see your point re: the obstruction. I still think the technology should be sophisticated enough to scan through food or any other thick layer of grime that might be on my hand at any given moment.



Dear Emily,

You need more help than we here at Apple Inc. are qualified to provide.

Good luck in life,

Apple Inc.


I Require a Different Department

I had an issue with my computer so I called tech support.

Tech Support (after asking a series of basic questions): “And do you use your iCloud?”

Me: “I think so?”

Tech Support: “You’re not sure?”

Me: “Well…it’s just. What is the cloud? Like, really?

Tech Support: “Ok I’m going to transfer you to a another department. You have an entirely different problem than the one you reported.”

Me: “Is it that I’m an idiot? Is that the entirely different problem?”

(long pause)

Teach Support: “No comment, ma’am. Please hold.”