Tag Archives: anxious

Like, REAL air?

That she is not in fact a robot will never cease to take me by surprise:

Me: “So yeah, sometimes all the ‘what ifs’ really paralyze me, in terms of all the bad things that could possibly happen to Nora.”

Therapist: “Of course. As parents, we will always feel that to a degree.”

Me: “Wait– YOU’RE a PARENT?”

Therapist: “Yes, to a 13-year-old daughter….”

Me: “You have a DAUGHTER?!”

Therapist: “…and a 9 year old daughter.”

Me: “You have TWO daughters??!!”

Therapist: “Yes, so I know that feeling….”

Me: “You have FEELINGS?”

Therapist: “…. of being so scared for your child, you forget how to breathe air.”

Me: “You BREATHE AIR?!”

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That Went Downhill Fast

Kid: “How come you never wear your hair down?”
Me (tired of getting this question from kids, and deciding to just be honest): “Because I am a very sweaty person, and it’s hot out, and if my hair is down, I feel even hotter and sweatier.”
Kid: “But you didn’t wear it down in winter either.”
Me: “Right, well. Like I said. I’m a very sweaty person.”
Kid: “Even if it’s not hot?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “That makes no sense. You can’t sweat if you’re not hot.”
Me: “Not true. There is a feeling you can have, and it makes you sweat even if the temperature isn’t hot. It’s called anxiety.”
Kid: “I’ve heard of that. It’s when you have panic like there’s an emergency, but there’s not an emergency. The emergency is only in your head.”
Me: “That’s actually a beautiful, astoundingly mature explanation.”
Kid: “Thanks.”
(pause)
Kid: “Oh, I know! It’s like having to poop real bad and thinking there’s no toilet, but there really IS a toilet, you just don’t see it because a big tree or, like, something, is blocking it, but if you could just, like, turn your head or chop down the tree you’ll see the toilet and it’ll be fine. You really can poop after all! Like, not in your pants or anything!”

Yeah maybe quit while you’re ahead.

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Treating Anxiety is an Exact Science

Me: “I’ve been thinking about lowering my meds again soon. I’m way less anxious these days.”

Therapist: “Good.”

Me: “Good that I want to lower them? Or good that I feel less anxious?”

Therapist: “Good that you feel less anxious.”

Me: “So you don’t agree I should lower them?”

Therapist: “I didn’t say that.”

Me: “But you didn’t agree.”

Therapist: “I didn’t know you were seeking my agreement.”

Me: “Well…I don’t like it when you have NO reaction to an idea I’ve presented.”

Therapist: “Why is that?”

Me: “BECAUSE IT MAKES ME FEEL ANXIOUS!”

(long pause)

Me: “Yeah let’s keep the meds where they are.”

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Perhaps THIS Will Help You Understand

“You know how you felt when you saw a white/gold dress and your friends all saw a blue/black dress and you just sat there thinking ‘holy shit, is everyone insane, or am insane? This doesn’t make sense. What is happening?!’

That’s how I feel ALL THE FUCKING TIME. About EVERYTHING.”

— Me, when an incredibly stable friend asked what it’s like to have an anxiety disorder.

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