Tag Archives: sadness

People I Have it More Together Than

Because sometimes, on the first day of winter, you need a list.

  1. Rob Kardashian
  2. I took a 10 minute pause here at #2 and stared blankly at the screen because I literally couldn’t think of anyone else. So I got up, retied my bathrobe, stretched what I’m pretty sure is the beginning of a weird-sleeping-position-induced torn rotator cuff, and took a brief walk from the living room to the other side of the living room (estimated distance 5 feet). I recognize this probably invalidates the entire concept of my list, but I’m sorry my work life is weirder than yours.
  3. The dog on the 29th floor who shits in the stairwell (realized this list should be humans)
  4. All characters on Shameless (realized this list should be real humans)
  5.  Michael Jackson (realized this list should be real humans who are still alive and who were not child molesters)
  6. Bill Cosby (realized having it more together than a rapist isn’t great)
  7. Paula Dean (same as above, swap rapist for racist. Also I think she’s pulled it together now, at least publicly. No? Ugh I don’t know, I haven’t thought about her in years, and I’m sure neither have you. I have no idea how she ended up on this list. You can see how desperate I’m getting.)
  8. My night doorman who’s always asleep  (No, you know what? Good for him.)
  9. The dirty cat who lives in the corner store (I changed my mind about the “has to be a human” rule, then doubted my decision and changed my mind back again, because THAT’S WHAT LIVING IN MY HEAD IS LIKE. Also, even if I DID include non-humans, I’m not sure that cat could even make the list because, honestly, he does always look warm.)
  10. I give up.

This exercise really backfired.

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Doctors Love Me, Part 2

(Continuation of Doctors Love Me)

After diagnosing me with the flu, doctor leaves room to get prescription pad, comes back to see me sobbing.

Doctor: “Why are you crying?”
Me: “I don’t know. It’s just something that happens.”
Doctor: “It’s just the flu. You thought you had cancer. This is good news!”
Me: “I know” (crying harder).
Doctor: “Ok, go home and get some rest.” (hands me Tamiflu script)
Me: “Can you prescribe anything for the crying?”
Doctor: (checking my chart) “Looks like you’re already taking it.”

Well, fuck.

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