Tag Archives: football
Family Planning, Part 2
(Related to Family Planning )
Eric just learned that his company offers paid paternity leave. This, naturally, lead to a serious, contemplative discussion about parenthood.
(No, I’m not pregnant).
We’re obviously kidding, relax.
They’ll be a soccer team.
I hate football.
Sexism
Me: “Did you hear about Cam Jansen’s super sexist comment?”
Eric: “You mean Cam Newton?”
Me: “Whatever, yeah. It was absurd– a female reporter asked him a question about the game, and he responded being like ‘It’s funny to hear a girl talk about paths.’ Like a girl couldn’t possibly know about wide receiver paths?!”
Eric: “You mean routes?”
I Guess the Dancer Has a Side Job
Me: “Hey, what’s that dancer from Dancing with the Stars doing on the football channel!?”
Eric: “That’s Von Miller.”
Now You Know How I Feel
I did a summer writing project with a 4th grader, who had free rein to choose a topic for an editorial, narrative, and informational piece. He chose football for all three. I warned him this was not my area of expertise.
Me (editing his piece): “What do you mean by ‘it makes it harder for the offense to juke?'”
Kid: “Like, for the player to change direction to avoid another player.”
Me: “Ah, got it. And what is ‘an audible?'”
Kid: “Seriously?”
Me: “I only know the adjective ‘audible.'”
Kid (head in hands, frustrated): “Oh, my god, Miss Emily. It’s like I have to explain EVERYTHING.”
Romance
After we come in from the cold, Eric sets up the second TV for football viewing while I cuddle under a blanket on the couch, nestling in for an afternoon together.
Eric (looking at me with adoration): “I mean…does it get any better than this?! I got the love of my life right here…”
Me: “Awww.”
Eric: “And I’ve got you.”
“Oooooh Aaron Rodgers! From The Bachelorette scandal!”
— Me, watching football.
I’ve Already Ruined Super Bowl Sunday
Watching a super bowl pre-game show, the hosts mention Michael Strahan.
Me: “Wait…Michael Strahan?”
Eric (nervous): “Yeah…”
Me: “He used to play football?”
Eric: <disbelieving silence>
Me: “Like, before he was Kelly Ripa’s sidekick?”
Eric: <rubbing temples>
I’m going to say less things for the rest of the day.
What is Love?
Manicurist: “THIS color? You sure?”
Me: “Yes.”
Manicurist: “No one choose this color. I never open.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet. But the Broncos are in the super bowl and my boyfriend is a HUGE fan. So I’m supporting him.”
Woman sitting next to me: “That’s so funny, I was going to do the same thing!”
Me: “Really?”
Woman: “Yeah. But then I saw the color and was like ‘Nope. Can’t do it. Too ugly. Wayyyy too ugly.'”
She’s not wrong.
Things He NEEDS
Me (watching Eric troll on Amazon): “It’s ridiculous how much you love to buy things.”
Eric: “Only things I NEED, though.”
Then he added this to his cart:
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