Me: “Hey, what’s that dancer from Dancing with the Stars doing on the football channel!?”
Eric: “That’s Von Miller.”
Tag Archives: sports
Now You Know How I Feel
I did a summer writing project with a 4th grader, who had free rein to choose a topic for an editorial, narrative, and informational piece. He chose football for all three. I warned him this was not my area of expertise.
Me (editing his piece): “What do you mean by ‘it makes it harder for the offense to juke?'”
Kid: “Like, for the player to change direction to avoid another player.”
Me: “Ah, got it. And what is ‘an audible?'”
Kid: “Seriously?”
Me: “I only know the adjective ‘audible.'”
Kid (head in hands, frustrated): “Oh, my god, Miss Emily. It’s like I have to explain EVERYTHING.”
“Oooooh Aaron Rodgers! From The Bachelorette scandal!”
— Me, watching football.
I’ve Already Ruined Super Bowl Sunday
Watching a super bowl pre-game show, the hosts mention Michael Strahan.
Me: “Wait…Michael Strahan?”
Eric (nervous): “Yeah…”
Me: “He used to play football?”
Eric: <disbelieving silence>
Me: “Like, before he was Kelly Ripa’s sidekick?”
Eric: <rubbing temples>
I’m going to say less things for the rest of the day.
Things He NEEDS
Me (watching Eric troll on Amazon): “It’s ridiculous how much you love to buy things.”
Eric: “Only things I NEED, though.”
Then he added this to his cart:
Yes
Here are some conversations my marathon medal elicited from the children at school today:
Kid: “What’s that for?”
Me: “I ran a marathon!”
Kid: “Did you win?”
Me: “Yes.”
Kid: “Really?!”
Me: “Yes.”
——-
Kid: “Did you win the Nobel Prize!?”
Me: “Yes.”
——-
Kid: “Is that a necklace?”
Me: “Yes.”
——–
Kid: “Did you know you have a bell stuck to your neck?”
Me: “Yes.”
———
Kid: “Did you know your necklace has a crack on the bell part?”
Me: “Yes.”
———
Every single other kid in the school besides the 5 above: < Stare at medal. Stare at my face. Say nothing. Go about their day. >
———
Coworker: “Did any kids even congratulate you today?”
Me: “No.”
———
Conclusion: In general, kids, unlike adults, don’t give a fuck don’t know how to PRETEND to give a fuck that you ran a marathon.
Really? ANYONE?
Me: “I’m running a marathon in Philadelphia this weekend!”
Kid: “Wow, really? I saw some of the New York marathon from my window, it was awesome!”
Me: “Yeah, it’s pretty amazing, huh? 26.2 miles!”
Kid: “Yeah. That’s what I thought! But my mom says that as long as you do the training right, really anyone can run a marathon.”
Me: “Your mom is a smart lady!”
She can go fuck herself, though.
You Can Learn a Very Good Lesson From My Family
This morning, as I was running at 6am after having been sick all week, I started to doubt my ability to run this upcoming Philadelphia marathon.
But then I remembered that I ran my very first marathon a few years ago with an extremely painful UTI (don’t ask. I discovered it too late. And I’d come too far).
And my sister ran a half marathon with a bladder full of kidney stones.
And my brother ran a half marathon with two extremely chafed, stinging, bleeding nippples.
And we ALL finished our races. And made pretty good time! Which just goes to show.
My family is disgusting.
We really should take better care of ourselves.
Jesus Christ.
Sports! Part 2
(Continuation of Sports! )
While watching the game live…
Girl 1: “I like #10. He’s my favorite.”
Girl 2: “Where is he? I don’t see him.”
Girl 1: “He’s not on the field right now.”
It was a basketball game.
Sports!
This is what happens when my girlfriends and I decide to attend a sporting event.
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