“Yes, I do like! Is pretty design! I like you do all color different.”
— Nora, age 4, thinking she’s being polite by responding to the manicurist “in the same language”
And Then I Tipped Her 150% and Never Returned
Tag Archives: nails
I See You Need
Rushing into nail salon…
Me: “Hi! I don’t have a lot of time but I was hoping I could get a quick–”
Nail lady: “Yes, yes I see you need eyebrow wax.”
Me: “…back massage.”
Sassy Pedicurist: An Investigation
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many of you have expressed your sadness over the absence of Sassy Pedicurist. I know. Thanks to what I can only assume is Stockholm Syndrome, I miss that abusive, cranky old bitch too. So today I went to my old nail salon to inquire about her absence.
Me (to two manicurists sitting in the front): “Hi there! So I noticed that my regular manicurist has been gone for a while. I’m just wondering, is she coming back? Did she switch salons?”
Manicurist 1: “Which lady you talk about?”
Me: “Um…well, she’s older. I mean, not old. But like, older than you guys. I’m assuming. And, you know, she’s…Asian. So…”
(silence)
Me: “I’m not great at describing people.”
(silence)
Me: “Anyway, I’m just wondering where she went, because I really liked her. She did my nails for years.”
Manicurist 2: “What is her name?”
(Long pause)
Me: “I don’t know.”
So the good news is that I managed to eventually uncover that Sassy has been out of town, but will be back at the nail salon in about a month.
The bad news is that I can never go back there.
I’m Not
I tried a new nail salon that just opened up on my block, so the lovely owner gave me the hard sell (in slightly broken English)….
Owner: “We give you 20% off today. And you tell your friends about us? I see you live in neighborhood!”
Me: “I do! But how can you tell?”
Owner: “You carry the Starbuck drink and you wear the clothes for going to gym.”
Me: “Ha! You’re right! I am heading to the gym!”
I’m not. These are my regular clothes.
What is Love?
Manicurist: “THIS color? You sure?”
Me: “Yes.”
Manicurist: “No one choose this color. I never open.”
Me: “Yeah, I’ll bet. But the Broncos are in the super bowl and my boyfriend is a HUGE fan. So I’m supporting him.”
Woman sitting next to me: “That’s so funny, I was going to do the same thing!”
Me: “Really?”
Woman: “Yeah. But then I saw the color and was like ‘Nope. Can’t do it. Too ugly. Wayyyy too ugly.'”
She’s not wrong.
Sassy Pedicurist: M.I.A.
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Many people have been asking me what has happened to Sassy Pedicurist, as we haven’t heard from her in a while.
I’m not quite sure. I have had my nails done many times in the past several months, and she has not been at the salon. She used to be there almost every single time, and now she has virtually disappeared. It’s as though she sensed that I found a man, and now her work here is done.
I’m starting to question if she ever even existed.
Me: “I’ll go with ‘Size Matters.’ Because it does.”
Nail lady: <blank stare>
Sassy Pedicurist: This is Good Decision
(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)
Just popped into the nail place…
Me: “Hi there! Do you have time to give me a quick eyebrow wax?”
Sassy: “Not now. You come back in one hour.”
Me: “Eek, I can’t. I’m going out tonight, and have to leave kind of soon.”
Sassy: “You have date tonight?”
Me: “Yes…”
Sassy (staring at my eyebrows): “Wax is good decision. I do you now. Come.”
Me: “Thank you!”
Sassy: “Yes. Good eyebrow important for date.”
(long pause)
Sassy: “We do bikini too.”
Sassy Pedicurist: You Get Wax Today
Sassy: “You have date this week?”
Me: “Yes, on Tuesday.”
Sassy: “Then you get eyebrow wax today.”
Me: “No thank you.”
Sassy: <shrugs>
(long silent pause as she files my nails)
Sassy: “No wax is big mistake.”
Emily's Posts 