As I’m leaving an hour-long tutoring session…
Kid (to her mom): “Mom, you always say I have to take those off (points to nape of my neck) but Miss Emily didn’t!!”
Me (confused): “Wait, what?”
Parent: “Something tells me Miss Emily did not know it was there. And I was going to try to let her leave without embarrassing her, but I guess that’s not happening now.” (opens drawer, grabs scissors, cuts this off my sweater and hands it to me):
When/if I am pregnant one day, no one will be able to tell, because my daily life-long M.O. is already to be tired, nauseated, moody, and dressed in a shapeless sack.
And that’s been my plan all along.
Me, to Eric, after a friend commented that my loose “sack” dresses (the only thing I wear in summer) make me look like a grandma: “Does it bother you that I dress comfortably and not sexy?”
Eric: “Babe, are you kidding? Of course not. Wear whatever you want.”
Me: “Awww, that’s sweet. You’re the best.”
Eric: “Yeah. You think I even notice what you wear? I’ve never noticed once.”
Nope stop talking.
That amazing moment when you’re packing for the first wedding that isn’t your own wedding, and you realize it doesn’t matter what the hell you pack, wear, do, or say, because no one gives a fuck about YOU this weekend.
“Emily, no. NO. Jesus christ, just…no.”
— Friend, when I asked if I can wear my FitBit to my wedding.
Been cross-checking with married friends who know things, as I do not.
That moment when you order a garter for your wedding because people told you “You’re a bride, you HAVE to wear a garter!” and then it arrives and you instantly remember who you are as a person and return it.
“I mean…it’s a LITTLE nerdy.”
— Kid, age 6, re: my backpack
“What are Spanx!?”
— 2nd grade boy, when I opened up my laptop to do a reading program with him and a HUGE photo of my latest online shopping purchase popped up.
“I think maybe a leotard, Moana’s necklace, and a Burger King crown on your head.”
— Kid, age 6, when I asked him what I should wear on my wedding day.