That amazing moment when you’re packing for the first wedding that isn’t your own wedding, and you realize it doesn’t matter what the hell you pack, wear, do, or say, because no one gives a fuck about YOU this weekend.
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Category Archives: Random Thoughts
Um. Have You Met Me?
Friend, to me: “It’s so nice to just totally disconnect from social media on your birthday. You should try it.”
Things Po Says
Spot, on Po! I definitely ALWAYS bring food.
Oh it doesn’t count if I already ate the food? And I’m bringing it in my belly?
Then, neither. I bring neither.
You suck at this, Po.
Online Shopping
I love clothes-shopping online because rather than having to go to the store and try everything on myself, I can just view it on the model and instantly decide if I like it or not.
Then the clothes arrive and I remember that I am not a model.
Life = Made
It’s called logic, kids.
Because I was supposed to do a 10-mile training run this morning, but didn’t.
I’m sorry that you don’t see that as a reasonable explanation for why I am eating this giant chunk of leftover mac and cheese with my fists, but in my head it makes complete sense.
So fuck off.
No Apologies
I do not apologize for, and am 100% fine with, the fact that I did not recognize even ONE famous athlete in the movie “Trainwreck,” including LeBron James. I was grateful that the script actually stated, “You know who that is, right? That’s LeBron James,” because no, I did NOT know who that was. Much like Amy Schumer’s character, I simply thought he was a very tall, handsome, muscular black man.
I did, however, know every single comedian who made an appearance in the film and have read most of their memoirs.
I can’t be a girl who is funny AND who likes sports.
The universe would implode, guys.
Well This Was a New One
I’ve been called many names by standard NYC crazies in my 10-year stint living here. This includes, but is not limited to:
- “Pasty white bitch” (which is just absurd, as I’m always tan)
- “Slut” (eh. Depends on the season)
- “Cracker” (never not funny)
- “Cheap jerk” (fair)
- “Fucking Sarah Jessica Parker Skinny Legged Hoe” (this one’s my favorite. She thought I was skinny, guys!)
These name-callings are always unprovoked. I’ll admit, the first time it happened, I was pretty taken aback, but now I welcome it, as I feel every time a derogatory name is spat my way, I become more a citizen of this city.
And in that spirit, I would like to proudly announce that as a group of us were getting off the D train last night, the conductor took it upon himself to stick his head out the window of the subway car and yell “Get off my train, you pussy dicks!”
Game, set, match.
I’m a New Yorker, guys!!!!!
(That man maybe shouldn’t be driving trains, though….)
More #thedress Epiphanies
I knew it– this whole time, the Smurfs were nothing but white KKK members.
Seriously guys, my whole world is falling apart here.
Things That Don’t Bother Me in Florida
Make no mistake– if someone served me this loogie water in NY, there’d be hell to pay. But here in Boca? Just an adorable blunder that resulted in a fun filled game of “what body part do you think THAT came out of?”
(Note: in this game, no one wins. Least of all the table sitting next to you.)
