Tag Archives: sassy pedicurist

Sassy Pedicurist: An Investigation

(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)

Many of you have expressed your sadness over the absence of Sassy Pedicurist. I know. Thanks to what I can only assume is Stockholm Syndrome, I miss that abusive, cranky old bitch too. So today I went to my old nail salon to inquire about her absence.

Me (to two manicurists sitting in the front): “Hi there! So I noticed that my regular manicurist has been gone for a while. I’m just wondering, is she coming back? Did she switch salons?”

Manicurist 1: “Which lady you talk about?”

Me: “Um…well, she’s older. I mean, not old. But like, older than you guys. I’m assuming. And, you know, she’s…Asian. So…”

(silence)

Me: “I’m not great at describing people.”

(silence)

Me: “Anyway, I’m just wondering where she went, because I really liked her. She did my nails for years.”

Manicurist 2: “What is her name?”

(Long pause)

Me: “I don’t know.”

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So the good news is that I managed to eventually uncover that Sassy has been out of town, but will be back at the nail salon in about a month.

The bad news is that I can never go back there.

 

Sassy Pedicurist: This is Good Decision

(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series)

141-nail-polish

Just popped into the nail place…

Me: “Hi there! Do you have time to give me a quick eyebrow wax?”
Sassy: “Not now. You come back in one hour.”
Me: “Eek, I can’t. I’m going out tonight, and have to leave kind of soon.”
Sassy: “You have date tonight?”
Me: “Yes…”
Sassy (staring at my eyebrows): “Wax is good decision. I do you now. Come.”
Me: “Thank you!”
Sassy: “Yes. Good eyebrow important for date.”

(long pause)

Sassy: “We do bikini too.”

Sassy Pedicurist: Freeze the Eggs? Not a gift.

141-nail-polish

Discussing my upcoming 33rd birthday…

Sassy: “You buy yourself something nice?”
Me: “I was thinking I’d freeze my eggs.”
Sassy: (head in hands)
Me: “I take it you don’t approve?”
Sassy: “A new dress is gift. Nice dinner. Long massage. Date with good man. Freeze the eggs? Not a gift.”
Me: “I think it is. It’s a smart, proactive, responsible decision that will relieve some anxiety.”
Sassy (pointing to adjacent customers): “Now you make EVERYONE in here sad.”

Sassy Pedicurist: If This Man Smart

(Part of the Sassy Pedicurist series 141-nail-polish)

It’s been a while since I’ve seen Sassy Pedicurist, as she has been traveling. But don’t you worry, she’s back and more opinionated than ever…

Sassy: “You see a man now?”
Me: “Nope. Still single.”
Sassy: “What happen to man who make you smile in the text?” (referring to the guy in This Is Husband)
Me: “I told you– we’re friends.”
Sassy: “You see this man a lot?”
Me: “Not much lately, actually. We’re in touch, but he’s going through some tough times so hasn’t been feeling very social.”
Sassy: “If this man smart, he know that tough time is better with woman by his side.”
Me: “It’s not like that. He has some stuff he needs to sort through on his own.”
Sassy: “You know good time to sort alone? When you dead. What this man need is to wake up and see woman in front of him.”
Me: “Ok, I’ll be sure to let him know that.”
Sassy: “No– you not SAY this to him.” (shakes head in exasperated disapproval)
Me: “Well, excuse me. Clearly I don’t know the rules.”
Sassy: “Yes. This is very very clear.”

Sassy Pedicurist: What is this, ‘a blog?’

Sassy Pedicurist on blogging…

Me: “I started a blog.”
Sassy: “What is this, ‘a blog?'”
Me: “It’s like…a website. On the internet. Where I write stuff for people to read.”
Sassy: “What is this stuff?”
Me: “I don’t know, just stuff that happens in my life…observations…stories. Actually, sometimes I write about you.”
Sassy: “This sound like wasting time. You meet husband on this blog?”
Me: “It’s not a waste of time, because I enjoy doing it. And no, this is not a husband-meeting blog.”
Sassy: “I see no point, but is good if you enjoy it.”
Me: “Right. Well. That IS the point. I DO enjoy it.”
Sassy: “Maybe you make husband-meeting blog also.”
Me: “I’m not sure that’s even a thing.”
Sassy: “You can write blog about lady painting your feet, but no blog for meeting husband?”
Me: “I don’t WANT to write a blog about husband-meeting!”
Sassy: “Always with the excuse.”
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Sassy Pedicurist: This is Husband

Sassy Pedicurist sees me repeatedly checking my phone and laughing:

Sassy: “This person texting you, very funny yes?”
Me: “Ha yeah he’s a funny guy.”
Sassy: “Oh– a man? You go on date with this man?”
Me: “No no. A friend.”
Sassy: “He have wife? Girlfriend?”
Me: “No…”
Sassy: “This man, he look nice? You think he look nice? ”
Me: “Well, yeah, he’s a good looking guy.”
Sassy: “He think YOU look nice?”
Me: “I mean…I think so?”
Sassy: “He gay? He like the men?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “I see no problem here. This is husband.”
Me: “It’s not really that simple.”
Sassy: “I hear lots of excuse from you. You know who make lots of excuse?”
Me: “Please don’t say your cousin who died alone.”
Sassy: “ALL ALONE.”

Sassy Pedicurist: I Want Husband. I Want Children.

Dating advice from Sassy Pedicurist…

Me: “I have a first date tonight– any tips?”
Sassy: “You say to him what you want. You say, ‘I want husband. I want children.'”
Me: “I think that’s the opposite of what to do on a first date.”
Sassy: “You never do this?”
Me: “No.”
Sassy: “You have husband?”
Me: “No…”
Sassy: “Then you listen to me. And you wear red.”
Me: “I’m wearing black.”
Sassy (disapproving): “You girls in New York, always in black.”
Me: “Black is flattering!”
Sassy: “Black is for funeral. You want love, you wear red.”
Me: “I literally don’t own a red shirt.
Sassy (rolling eyes): “This is no surprise.”

Sassy Pedicurist: Very Nice Man

I show Sassy Pedicurist the disasterous text message exchange with Jeff.

Sassy: “This is why internet is no good for finding husband.”
Me: “You have a better suggestion?”
Sassy: “Yes. I know good man for you. He run in marathon, like you.”
Me: “Oooh, ok. That’s a good start.”
Sassy: “Mmm hmm. Very nice man. You want children?”
Me: “Yes, I do.”
Sassy: “Good. He have five.”
Me: “Oh…um…I meant, like, I want kids someday. I’m not sure I want to date someone who has five kids.”
Sassy (exasperated): “Now you being very picky.”

Sassy Pedicurist: You Get Nice Tan?

September 1, 2014

Sassy Pedicurist says what you’ve all been thinking.

Sassy: “Why you look tired today?”
Me: “I’m just in a bad mood. I go back to work tomorrow.”
Sassy: “But you have no work in summer?”
Me: “Well, yeah, but–”
Sassy: “You travel and lay in sun? You get nice tan?”
Me: “Yeah…”
Sassy (giant eye-roll): “Oh boo HOO. I SOOOO sad for you.”