Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?”
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”
A few things:
1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom.
2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady.
3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)
4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.
5. Feel better, kiddo!
(Related to Dear Everyone Who Asked, Which is Everyone)
I GOT MY FUCKING SHOTS, ASSHOLE!!!!!
Things you don’t want to hear your psychiatrist say when you tell her you have the flu:
“Wow. You get sick more than anyone I know.”
My mom, on the phone, after learning that I have the flu…
Mom: “Do you have any food in your apartment?”
Me: “A little. I have some soup.”
Mom: “Ok. Well, are there places there that will deliver?”
Having the flu means forgetting to put on pants before opening the door for the man delivering your milkshake. And by forgetting, I mean not caring enough.
Stop judging me, guys! Yes– I like milkshakes when I’m sick!