Tag Archives: flu season

Your Mom is a Selfish Windbag

Us (to kid who looks blatantly ill): “Do you feel ok?” 
Kid: “No. I have the flu.”
Us: “Then why are you here?!?”
Kid: “My mom said if I have too many absences I won’t get into middle school.”

A few things:

1. If you don’t get into middle school, it will be because you gave us the flu, and so we permanently branded you the dirty, germy kid. This will be the first line of your middle school recommendation letter. We might even add in that you smell. Not because it’s true, but because we hate your mom. 

2. Tomorrow, we will send a big ball of phlegm to your mother’s office, which will sit on her desk all day, slowly oozing around her workspace and contaminating everything and everyone. Tit for tat, lady. 


3. Leave this room. Now. (He did. And went to the nurse. Who took his temperature. Which was over 100 degrees.)

4. We know it’s not YOUR fault. We do like you a little less, though. I’m sorry. It’s just what happens.

5. Feel better, kiddo! 


Things I Will Say At Work Tomorrow

hazmatsuit

  • “Yes. This hazmat suit is necessary.” (said to confused principal)
  • “I don’t care that the hazmat suit is scaring you.” (said to kids)
  • “Stop. Hands up. Now twirl!” (said to first kid who enters classroom, who will then be sprayed head to toe in Lysol)
  • “Next! Stop and twirl!” (said to each successive kid)
  • “Wear this.” (said to each kid, while handing them a SARS mask, a fanny pack of hand sanitizer, and a pin that says “BEWARE– I’m disgusting.”)
  • “GO HOMMMMMMMMME!” (said to any kid who sniffles, coughs, or looks even remotely gross. So all of them.)
  • “Throw that out, immediately.” (referring to kid’s shirt, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Cut that off, now!” (referring to kid’s arm, after he wipes his nose on it)
  • “Are you SERIOUS?” (referring to kid who wipes his nose on the classroom rug because I HAVE SEEN THIS HAPPEN)
  • “How is this my life?!” (said to God, over and over)
  • <silence> (God, ignoring me. Plotting my next illness.)