Tag Archives: boobs

Isn’t it Ironic (the lost verse)

This weekend Eric and I went to a beautiful wedding at the American Museum of Visionary Arts in Baltimore, as one of my oldest and dearest friends was getting married there. We had just been to Baltimore the weekend before for Eric’s friend’s wedding, so I felt pretty confident in my packing-for-a-Baltimore-wedding skills and didn’t go through my usual anal-retentive, checklist-obsessive packing routine.

Big mistake.

An hour before the wedding, I realized that I did not pack a bra.

Not a huge problem, as my dress (and my boob size) didn’t necessarily require one, but I had never worn the dress without one. So needless to say, I was a little panicked and self-conscious, and I made Eric swear 50 times up and down that you couldn’t tell my boobs had no support.  I also turned down his gracious offer to cup them in his hands the entire night. I don’t know, I just felt like that might draw even more attention.

Then we arrive at the wedding, my boob anxiety rising, and what is the FIRST thing we encounter? This.

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A HUGE. FUCKING. BALL OF BRAS. 18,000 bras to be exact.

“Look, it’s 18,000 more bras than you’re wearing!” Eric yelled. Loudly.

And in that moment I couldn’t help but feel I was living out that Alanis Morissette song. You know, the one that goes “It’s like 18,000 bras in a ball, when all you need is one to wear…”

Or something.

But come on. That is ironic. Don’t you think?

 

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When Male Friends Are Unhelpful

Me: “What’s a good way to get more blog followers?”
Guy: “Post a nude photo.”
Me: “Ok, like something I would actually do.”
Guy: “Waist-up nude photo.”
Me: “ACTUALLY. DO.”
Guy: “Photo between waist and neck. Nude.”
Me: “So…my boobs.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, so again…ACTUALLY DO.”
Guy: “You won’t even do THAT?”
Me: “No! Besides, these boobs aren’t going to get any followers.”
Guy: “Yeah. Maybe someone else’s boobs. SAY they’re yours, though.”

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I’ve Seen This Face Before

Here in Florida, visiting several people’s babies. As is common with all babies meeting me for the first time, one of the first things one of these babies did was grab my boobs, presumably looking for milk. I apologized, telling him that, unfortunately, there is nothing exciting happening under this shirt. Unconvinced and determined, he then stuck his hand down my shirt, and slipped it right under my bra. Much to his dissapotnmet, still nothing. He looked crestfallen.

This must be exactly how the men in my life have felt.