Tag Archives: advice

The Right Thing To Say

Parent (to me): “So on my kid’s middle school application, I have to explain her multiple absences last year, what do you think I should put as the reason?”

Me: “Well. What WAS the reason?”

Parent: “My ex-husband is a useless dickbag and couldn’t get her to school in the morning while I worked.”

Me: “Um….’family circumstances?'”

Parent: “Oooooh, that’s GOOD! You know all the right things to say.”

Oh to be clear I would 100% write the dickbag thing.  In all caps, 30-point font, and with these emoji Eggplant_Emoji_large-1.pngx1f45c.png.pagespeed.ic.nYQcdHY6lD.png

It just seems you want to go in a different direction.

 

 

Fly Guy

I was on the phone with Eric and, for what seems like the millionth time this month, a fly flew right into my apartment. I know what you’re thinking– didn’t you JUST post about killing a fly the other day? How is your apartment THAT disgusting that you have this bad a fly problem?

To clarify, I don’t have a fly PROBLEM. But inevitably, every time I open my balcony sliding door (which is the only “window” in my apartment), at least one fly finds its way in and then NEVER. FUCKING. LEAVES.

Last week I spent seven days with the same fly. I pretty much accepted on day 5 that we were roommates now, so I gave him a name (“Fly Guy”….it had been a long day) and I started to contemplate ways I could make the apartment more comfortable for him. Then, just as I’m googling “Do flies like pop music?” Fly Guy landed right in front of me on the coffee table. So I did what any good roommate would do– I beat him repeatedly with a People magazine while screaming “WHO LIVES HERE NOW, BITCH?!?!” and then texted Eric “I killed that motherfucking fly!” with no less than 14 gold trophy emojis.

Anyway, this is all to say, the flies have been an issue.

So an hour ago on the phone, when the fly came in and I screamed, “I can’t handle ANOTHER FLY!”, Eric agreed that this was, in fact, the most stressful situation a human being could possibly find herself in. He then suggested an old trick that works every time– covering a plate in honey. The flies, he promised, would instantly be attracted to it, fly on top, and get stuck. “But you have to cover the WHOLE plate in a thick coat of honey. The more surface area, the better. Don’t just dabble it on there.” I promised I would do it correctly.

Thrilled that I had a new, trusted kill strategy under my belt, I set up the trap and have been excitedly staring at it for the past hour, waiting for the dramatic death-by-honey scene to unfold.

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It has just occurred to me that Eric is fucking with me.

I’m Going to Die Alone: A Male vs. Female Response

Sometimes I get the old, “I’m going to die all alone” blues. Nothing dire or overly dramatic. Really.

They usually happen on Sunday. So, like….today.

I texted a female friend with this concern, and her response:

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Then a male friend:

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I’m not gonna lie– the male friend snapped me out of it.

The Truth About Blondes

Kid: “I have a question for you, since you’re a blonde.”
Me (terrified about where this is going): “Ok…”
Kid: “Do people look at you more because you’re a blonde?”
Me: “Not that I have noticed, no. Why do you ask?”
Kid: “Well, my friend is a blonde, and she says people look at her more because of it.”
Me: “Oh…well…that might be her perception. But that doesn’t make it a fact.”
Kid (taking a deep breath, turning bright red): “I’m talking specifically about boys. Like, BOYS look at her more.”
Me (smiling, but secretly wishing I still taught Kindergarten): “Yeah, kiddo. I had a feeling that’s what you meant.”
Kid: “So is it true? Do boys like blondes better? Because she said that’s something that like EVERYONE knows.”
Me: “Look, there are lots of silly things said about hair color, and many other physical features for that matter, but those are just generalizations and stereotypes. The truth is that everyone has different tastes, and different qualities, both physically and personality-wise, that they find attractive. It completely varies from person to person, and you should just focus on being proud of your own unique and wonderful traits, because I promise you that plenty of people– BOYS included– are going to notice them.”
Kid: “Ok, that makes me feel better.”

Yeah, well, it shouldn’t. I’m a dumb blonde. What the fuck do I know?

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When Male Friends Are Unhelpful

Me: “What’s a good way to get more blog followers?”
Guy: “Post a nude photo.”
Me: “Ok, like something I would actually do.”
Guy: “Waist-up nude photo.”
Me: “ACTUALLY. DO.”
Guy: “Photo between waist and neck. Nude.”
Me: “So…my boobs.”
Guy: “Yes.”
Me: “Ok, so again…ACTUALLY DO.”
Guy: “You won’t even do THAT?”
Me: “No! Besides, these boobs aren’t going to get any followers.”
Guy: “Yeah. Maybe someone else’s boobs. SAY they’re yours, though.”

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